Mia Aburto

I stood there in awe, my breath taken away as I watched the older dancers perform on the stage from my dance school. At that moment, I completely fell in love with ballet. Other students were there too, it was the same reaction, mouths slightly opened by our shock, and our eyes completely locked. They were beautiful, elegant, a presence like no other. Their arms moved so delicately, the difficult jumps looked smooth, and they made everything look so easy. I sat there watching with a small glimpse of my future, hoping one day I would be the one in pointe shoes and dancing a pas de deux1 just as beautiful as they did. However, what I didn't know at that moment was the discipline, time, and effort I had to go through to get these results.

“The very things that make dancers well-suited to ballet can be their undoing.” Chloe Angyal is a former ballerina who talks about the strict logic of ballet ingrained into her. The idea that 'Not everyone is made for ballet', she writes, does not make a safe environment to grow as dancers because it focuses solely on the individual dancer and their imperfections. “This logic says, it's not because there's something wrong with ballet—there's something wrong with you.”

1 A dance with a partner. Typically a man and a woman.
Fig. 1. Anatomy of a pointe shoe
The Outer Sole
Beginning

My mom put me in ballet classes when I was five. Every day we learned about coordination with music, standing properly, and exercises that improved our memorization. It provided the fundamental base for the future. Dancing shaped my mind, it helped me be more healthy, organized, and responsible in many ways. I became more expressive and performed better at school, and it made me come out of my shell. As I write this, I acknowledge the opportunities ballet has given me and the positive impact it continues to have on my life. However, that is not to say that ballet is just wearing tutus and looking pretty. The rigorous discipline causes many students like myself to crumble by the amount of pressure and expectations to excel at the sport.

The outer sole is the only part of the shoe that makes contact with the floor. It is the connection between the dancer and the stage. Similarly, the early years are the base of ballet, they shape your mentality, dreams, and expectations for the future. Often, the teachers would mention how the best dancers always had pretty collarbones, and noticeable hip bones, among other adjectives, all of which were describing someone skinny. As kids, we didn't take it seriously but this changed once I became a teenager, because now I cared about other people’s opinions. Ballet classes started to get harder and every student had more responsibilities, we were always expected to get better. I would head straight to dance school after I finished my extracurriculars at school. I couldn't stop at my house due to time constraints so I had to make sure I had everything in my bag before leaving:

1 leotard (or more if there are rehearsals)
1 short black transparent skirt
1 pair of tights
1 pair of leggings
1 long-sleeved shirt (for contemporary class)
1 long black skirt (for character dance)
1 pair of character shoes
1 long pink transparent skirt (romanticism class)
1 pink superior band2
1 pair of pointe shoes
1 pair of pointe shoes without inner soles3

1 pair of ballet slippers
1 sewing kit (for pointe shoes)
1 block of tape for the toes
1 pair of toe pouches4
Spenco 2nd Skin squares5
1 nail clipper (just in case)
3 Resistance bands
Gel
A jar full of bobby pins
2 hair nets
2 rubber bands

Slowly, as the items in my bag increased, expectations did too. Although the teacher didn't say anything directly, small details were noticeable, favoritism and preferences were definitely noticeable. I immediately connected being skinny as the requirement to even be considered a good dancer. But where did these expectations come from? I don't think it only came from my teacher. Was it my peers, parents, or even myself? Was it the media? I would be lying if I were to blame one single factor, in this case, ballet, as the sole reason for my problem. I recognize that other extracurriculars as well as social norms also influenced me in many ways, but in this text, I want to focus on the impact of ballet. My intent is not to diminish the sport but to try and make sense of my experiences to understand why many athletes experience a large amount of stress due to the expectations that come from the sport and acknowledge the importance of recognizing mental health issues to stop unhealthy habits and find a balance.

2 A long rubber formed like a circle which is used for stretch training.
3 After the pointe shoe has expired a dancer can take out the inner sole (the hard part of the point shoe for the metatarsal) to use it like a ballet slipper for aesthetic visuals.
4 Padding for the toes when a dancer uses pointe shoes.
5 Helps prevent injuries from skin pressure/rubbing of pointe shoes, acts as a second skin for blisters
Slowly, as the items in my bag increased, expectations did too.
Slowly, as the items in my bag increased, expectations did too.
The Waist Seam
Health Literacy

Among professional dance students there seems to be a low mental health literacy, as about half of the dancers reported to be aware of symptoms for personal mental health challenges. Still, only 45% in the total sample were willing to consult a health professional if in need. This finding replicates what has previously been reported from dancers of diverse performance levels, and points to a need for increased health literacy.6 Importantly, the willingness to consult help, progressed with academic progression, which also coincided with the increased frequency of mental health challenges.7

If someone does not know what they are doing is unhealthy, how are they supposed to get better?

The waist seam holds the back and front shoe together, without understanding its importance a vital part can be overlooked. Health literacy works the same way: if someone does not know what they are doing is unhealthy, how are they supposed to get better?

6 Alimena and Air 2016; Alimena et al. 2016.
7 Fostervold Mathisen et al. 2022.
If someone does not know what they are doing is unhealthy, how are they supposed to get better?
The Box
An Interview, Part 1

The box of the pointe shoe has three parts: pleats, vamps, and throat. It is made out of layers of fabric, cardboard, paper, and a lot of glue. This is what holds the toes together, and it is where the entire weight of our body is balanced. In a way, the box encapsulates everything, the good and the bad, and the process of finding a balance by prioritizing your own needs first.

To understand more about ballet as a whole I interviewed my two best friends whom I met in ballet school to gain different perspectives: Iovanska Delgadillo, a current dancer, and Mariana Hernandez, a former dancer. Not surprisingly, we shared many similarities, experiences, and thoughts. Mariana explains her journey throughout the years in ballet:

"I kind of feel like the dynamic changes as you grow. When you are young, you do it just for fun. And then, you grow up. The same discipline now dictates that you have to do it more seriously, which is why I left because it was becoming more and more serious. Which meant more responsibilities and I didn't want to sacrifice other things I was interested in. My point is, as a dancer you have to decide what are your priorities and whether you are going to dedicate yourself to this or not."

When you are young, you do it just for fun. And then, you grow up.

As I wrote out her words I realized that the interview echoed my experience, she was describing the same thing, I thought to myself. The evolution of her relationship with ballet as she grew older changed while the expectations of her performance only increased. It is hard as a dancer to find a balance between the sport and other aspects of your life, especially if you have decided not to be a professional dancer. Not making sacrifices for ballet makes you look bad and ‘undisciplined’ so it gets to the point where you forget who to prioritize. Her words brought me comfort as I realized that it wasn’t just me who felt that way.

When you are young, you do it just for fun. And then, you grow up.
Toe Pouches
An Interview, Part 2. Ignoring the burnout.

In the interview, Iowaska encapsulates the feeling many dancers get due to this pressure of succeeding expectations and wanting to be perfect:

"And it's not like something that I think, ‘Oh, it only happens to me’. No, no, not really no. I've seen girls with many blisters on their feet or with fallen nails. And you see them keep going like nothing. You have to keep going because you can't dance correctly, so you have to keep trying until you get it right. And so they are killing themselves, I mean, physically they are exhausting themselves because they are on their little toes and they don't have nails anymore, they have blisters, their feet are bleeding, and you have to keep going because this dance has to come out good."

Toe pouches are an extension of the pointe shoes, a form of padding used to even the pressure between the big toe and the rest. After using the padding for too long, dancers replace them with new ones. During my ballet journey, just like many other dancers, I started to 'forget' to buy them. I was pushing myself harder than what was healthy to not disappoint my teachers and feel worthy. Just like any other dancer, whether it was dead pointe shoes, blisters, broken toenails, or even no nails at all, it was just part of the sport and what you signed up for. After a while, like always, it would just stop hurting. I would think this mindset of putting ballet before me was the right thing to do, the "responsible" thing to do. The compliments kept me going even after I started to be burned out or get injuries.

Figs. 2—4. Examples of my injuries while being in a summer program. I didn’t have two toenails and the rest were a bit broken or had blisters around them. However, I still danced at the end of the program with my dead/wasted pointe shoes. Everyday for a week I put my feet in ice cold water to mitigate the inflammation.
The Throat
Obsession Disguised as Perfectionism

Every weekday I would be at my dance school from 4:30 pm–8:30 pm, still others stayed longer as the sport requires a lot of discipline and commitment to get better. For example, an arabesque is one of the most famous and used poses in ballet. It requires the dancer to stand on one leg, called the supporting leg, and extend the other leg, the working leg. You have to keep in mind all of the annotations while doing an arabesque. Similarly, every other step in ballet has the same, if not more annotations to keep track of. Who wouldn't become obsessive? Being trained to focus on all the small details that you have to get right, I started recording videos of myself to act as a judge and understand what aspects I needed to improve.

Fig. 5. Arabesque with annotations
Fig. 6. Me doing Arabesque at my home

The mirror was my best friend. As I saw the videos I would annotate what I needed to fix. Shoulders are not down. Now, the next time I looked in the mirror I would look at my shoulders and move them around to catch the feeling of having my shoulders down. The feet are not turned out enough. I would go next to the barre facing the mirror and slowly do a tendu8 to see how my feet slowly arched, and then I would look up all of the exercises I found on YouTube to improve my turnout. I did this with every annotation you can think of, exercises to close your rib cage, keep my elbows up, maintain my leg at least above 90 degrees, anything you could think of my teenage self already took notes on.

I thought of myself as someone 'observant' and having 'good discipline', but that spiraled me into being a perfectionist. Although perfectionism is a wanted trait that helps a dancer improve their skills, stay organized, and have a strong work ethic, it can also easily disrupt other areas when taken to the extreme. Before I even knew it, ballet had become an obsession. Abigail Rasminsky perfectly encapsulates the feelings I had by using the term ‘maladaptive perfectionism’ to talk about this issue: "Maladaptive perfectionism is characterized by a constant need for approval, the setting of unreasonable standards, and endless anxiety about meeting those expectations." On the other hand, "People with a healthy drive to succeed understand that there are ups and downs," Silby says. "If they fail to meet expectations, they're able to negotiate through it effectively and use it to move forward. For neurotic perfectionists, it's either success or failure and typically, it's a failure because the standard is so high it's almost impossible to meet."

8 The action of stretching your leg and foot out from one place to the other without separating from the floor.
The Side Quarter
A Satin Cover-Up

I'm still at the dance studio, class ended a while ago. I looked out the window to see the dim black sky as I felt the cold breeze from the window touch my shoulders. “Oh it’s already night”, I thought to myself as I continued stretching along with some friends who also stayed up late. Soon after, I decided it was time to record to check my progress.

“Omggg so pretty,” my friend said when I was stretching.

“Ughh,” I sigh in despair. “I still have a long way to go, haha, I want my leg to be straight.”

“You got this, don't worry.” Friends gave me a lot of support and positive comments, but still, I was not satisfied. I would see the videos and photos and immediately take notice of what I was doing wrong.

Fig. 7. Me learning aerial dance
Fig. 8. Stretching with friends after class

Now, the mirror has become my enemy. Every time I took the slightest look at the mirror I would see everything that was wrong with me. On the outside I was the healthiest and skinniest I had ever been, but as I recall memories from my past not once did I feel content about myself or my progress. I was so focused on all of my concerns, faults, and what I wasn't doing correctly that I forgot the joy ballet had once brought me. This very logic that Chloe Angyal talks about made me look past all of my accomplishments, after all, I went from someone who couldn't even touch the floor without bending their knees to being able to perform difficult ballet steps which require a lot of flexibility and strength. Just like the side quarter which is the satin that covers the heel and the sides of the foot, I was covering up all of my hard work, diminishing new accomplishments to only focus on the “pretty” results that would never appear.

The Vamp
Losing the balance, the breaking point

I was 5'10" and weighed 106 pounds. I remember feeling very fat and full of guilt for feeling this way. Why wasn't I grateful? There are bigger problems than my weight and appearance in this world, it's just a sport, so why am I taking it so seriously? Other aspects of my life did not help either, instead, they continued to feed my “obsession” as I used it to distract myself. In that month of September, my uncle died due to a health condition, my parents fought every day until my dad moved out to an apartment, and after going on a school trip my family told me my cat “had run away.” Still, I did not acknowledge nor validate my emotions, did I want attention that badly? I just thought I was being melodramatic and ungrateful, after all, I knew many friends who had more serious problems than family issues, so it didn't seem fair to complain.

Ballet became an outlet for me; it helped me cope with feelings I was unfamiliar with. I could just dance, have a great time with my friends, and forget about everything else. Ironically, the only time I was actually happy was when I was dancing. That was until I started to form a co-dependency. I confused what was meant to be a stress-relief outlet for me due to lack of support elsewhere, as an outlet I relied on or an excuse I used to ignore my emotions.

This type of mindset soon took over other aspects of my life. In academics, I was getting mad for getting a 9.8 instead of a 9.9 or a 10. I started to eat less so that I would burn more calories than what I ate in hopes of getting skinnier, thus straining my relationship with food. I would either binge a lot or 'forget' to eat from time to time. I would have intrusive thoughts about vomiting, but the only thing that stopped me was not my health, it was the fact that I didn't want my teeth to rot, otherwise, that would affect my appearance as a performer on a stage. I would avoid having anyone take pictures as I didn't want them to look at me, because if they did, they would also see my faults (hence why I wasn't able to add pictures in this section), and if I had free time after doing school and dance work I would just lay in my bed without moving at all.

Every time I would get a gut feeling that what I was doing wasn't right, I would get compliments about my body and how I'd lost weight, and instantly those worries would disappear. I thought I had to be doing something right, why else would I get so much positive feedback? Then again, why did I feel fatter every time someone complimented me on getting so skinny? As I write this I now realize I had developed a deep hatred for myself. I was constantly stressed, the only way I managed to calm myself down was by touching my eyebrows. I would move my index finger from the center of my forehead to the end of my brows, and repeat the motion from left to right. Then I would stay at the tails of the brows and move my finger up and down, up and down, and up and down. Sometimes, when I was very stressed I would start to pull some of my hair off. I wanted to stop but I couldn't bring myself to do it.

Every time I would get a gut feeling that what I was doing wasn't right, I would get compliments about my body, and instantly those worries would disappear.

“Just one more time,” I would say to myself while I continued to rub my eyebrows. “I’ll stop in 5 minutes,” I would say after saying the same sentences 30 minutes ago. “I won’t touch them tomorrow,” I would say knowing well I would the next day.

The vamp is supposed to support a dancer's toes and metatarsals, they come in different lengths as they all have to be suited for the dancer's type of feet. However when a dancer gets a vamp too long or short for them it limits their ability to dance and if not fixed, it hurts their toes in the long run. What is thought to be a support system can also be used to hurt that same individual when they don't realize it.

Every time I would get a gut feeling that what I was doing wasn't right, I would get compliments about my body, and instantly those worries would disappear.
The Shank
A Supportive Community. Realization.

As I continued to ignore my emotions my eyebrows started to get thinner and thinner until it became noticeable. No matter how much I tried to stop I couldn't, even if I tried instead biting my nails one more time they would start bleeding. I had accomplished most of the goals I had set for myself, had many friends in school, and received many awards in life both academically and in dance, but still, I couldn't stop touching my eyebrows. That was the moment I realized I had a problem and I needed to get better.

Fig. 9. My eyebrows

Acknowledging my problem was the first step in getting better, now I was starting to identify toxic behaviors I had in ballet. I realized that a lot of my friends also talked so negatively about themselves, and that is when it hit me. Students didn't see each other as competition, instead, we were healthy rivals who supported and challenged each other. We were our biggest supporters. Seeing my friend talk so badly about herself crushed me, why is she doing that to herself? Her pirouettes9 are perfect, why can't she see it? As millions of questions came over my mind I suddenly realized that I was also doing the same thing. We were setting ourselves up for failure, trying to meet expectations so high that were genetically out of our reach. After talking to her about it we decided to call each other out on these toxic behaviors in hopes of prioritizing our self-care and getting rid of those habits.

9 Turns standing on one leg.
Binding and Drawstrings
Finding a Balance

The community I found in ballet truly helped me to get better. I've made friends for life with whom I've formed unbreakable bonds by our deep understanding of each other. They were the ones who made me fall in love with ballet again. I immediately set a boundary with dance, only going 3 days instead of 6. It allowed me to explore other clubs in my school and focus on hobbies that were related to the career I was interested in. Being able to find a balance between ballet and my life helped me remind myself that I was dancing for myself, not for anyone else. Still, I found myself struggling to get rid of the many 'toxic habits' I had acquired.

Being able to find a balance between ballet and my life helped me remind myself that I was dancing for myself, not for anyone else.
Being able to find a balance between ballet and my life helped me remind myself that I was dancing for myself, not for anyone else.
The Pointe Shoe

I accepted the fact that I couldn't just bottle up my emotions. I was so used to being detached from everything that letting myself truly feel my emotions was overwhelming. But I wanted to keep my eyebrows so the least I could do was try. I wish I could make a summary of the steps to follow to get better, but I can't. Finding a balance has not been linear, there are ups and downs but during the journey, I managed to find peace within myself. To this day there are times when I still struggle to stop touching my eyebrows or stop being too critical of myself which is why I've never weighed myself again since the pandemic and why I find myself touching my eyebrows as I struggle to study for my finals. I thought that everything didn't matter unless I met everyone’s expectations of me, as I write this I realize just how wrong I was. All of our lives we strive to meet every expectation imposed by our community that we forget ourselves. We get used to seeing and judging faults that no one else sees.

The structure of a pointe shoe is so pretty, captivating, and interesting. It requires a dancer's strength to stand on them, let alone balance. Sometimes it is hard to find stability while dancing but breaking the cycle of expectations and letting yourself relax and enjoy this journey is what makes it worthwhile. Every time I think of ballet I don't remember the milestones or the worst parts, I remember having so much fun with my friends, because that’s what matters.

References

“Arabesque Ballet Technique, Ballet Basics, Ballerina Artist." Best Eden MK, 2024.

Alimena S, Air ME, Gribbin C, Manejias E. "Utilization of Routine Primary Care Services Among Dancers." Journal of Dance Medicine & Science, 2016, 20(3):95-102.

Alimena S and Air ME. "Trust, Satisfaction, and Confidence in Health Care Providers Among Student and Professional Dancers in France." Medical Problems of Performing Artists, 2016, 31(3): 166-173.

Ballerina Artist (@grace.on.pointe). "Arabesque.” Instagram, July 2, 2017.

Bhugra, Dinesh, and Matthew A Becker. "Migration, cultural bereavement, and cultural identity." World Psychiatry: Official Journal of the World Psychiatric Association (WPA) vol. 4, no. 1 (2005): 18-24.

Fostervold Mathisen, T. F., Sundgot-Borgen, C., Anstensrud, B., & Sundgot-Borgen, J.Jorun. "Mental health, eating behaviour and injuries in professional dance students." Research in Dance Education, 2022, 23(1), 108–125.

Rasminsky, Abigail. “Perfectionism 101.” Dance Spirit, vol. 13, no. 3, Mar. 2009, pp. 34–36.

Alberto Lule

Alberto Lule uses readymades, mixed media installations, video, performance, and
tools used by agencies of authority to examine and critique the prison industrial
complex in the United States, particularly the California carceral state. Using his
own experiences, he aims to tie the prison industrial complex to other American
political issues such as immigration, homelessness, drug addiction, and mental
health. Lule creates artworks that explore institutional roles as gatekeepers of
knowledge, authorities of culture, administrators of discipline, and executors of
punishment. He is the recipient of the Public Impact Fellowship, Claire Trevor
School of the Arts, UC Irvine, 2022-2023. The 2020 Kay Nielsen Memorial
Drawing Award, The Hammer Museum, Los Angeles. Alberto received a BA in Art
from The University of California Los Angeles, and is currently pursuing his MFA
from the Claire Trevor School of the Arts at UC Irvine.

Cassandra Flores

Hello! My name is Cassandra Flores and I was raised in South El Monte after my parents’ immigrated from Nayarit, México to East LA. I spent my summers in high school exploring politics and multicultural literature. This is where I began to dissect my own cultural identity through the works of writers like Gloria Anzaldúa and Oscar Zeta Acosta. I find power in vulnerability and confrontation in all types of writing, including music. The lyricism of artists such as Clairo, Natalia Lafourcade, and Lorde foster an intimacy I hope to capture in my own writing. Things that bring me joy include my cat, Kiwi, dancing, concerts, and crafts that stimulate my creativity! As a student at UC Irvine, I study Social Policy and Public Service and I’ve been dancing with Ballet Folklorico de UCI for two years. My favorite poet at the moment is Yesika Salgado. I resonate with her experiences, the bilingualism in her writing, and aim to one day publish my own poetry book.

Tatyana Hazelwood

Tatyana grew up as a low-income, first-gen, African-American, Panamanian and Mexican student in both Orange County and San Diego, CA. She works as a System-Impacted Peer Mentor and an intern for the LIFTED Program. At UC Irvine, she is a Psychological Science (B.A.) and Criminology, Law & Society (B.A.) double major. Being a system-impacted student herself, she had a difficult upbringing and strives to find healing through success in education to end generational sacrifices. She began writing personal poems in her creative writing course in high school but often felt restricted to the conventional rules of poetry. Her works shared in Issue 4 are her most personal and meaningful poems.

Janellee Hernandez

Hello! My name is Janellee and I am a first-generation college student who was raised in a Guatemalan household. I have always loved how art has been a medium (in any form) that allows people to say something without actually speaking. Whether it’s to communicate a deeper meaning or is just there to simply exist. Photography has been something that I have always enjoyed and found that it is my way of self expression.

John Dayot

John Silvan Dayot is a rising senior at UCI studying English. He recently became an alumni of the award-winning nonprofit program Ghetto Film School (GFS). With a background in film, John wants to grow as a storyteller and develop projects with his community of talented friends. He believes art is always growing and is currently inspired by visual arts and capturing real life/people.

Daniel Le

Daniel Le is a third year student studying psychology with a minor in digital arts. Originally from Cerritos, CA, he enjoys exploring new things with friends, making spotify playlists, getting tattoos, and immersing himself in his Vietnamese culture.

Dontaye Henderson

Dontaye Henderson was raised in Atlanta Georgia and now resides in San Diego, California. He attends UCI studying to earn his BA degree in Sociology. His inspiration comes from his children and loving mother. He desires to use his education to help aid the struggling youth in society as a mentor. He enjoys writing poetry, reading, drawing, and cooking. He is grateful for this opportunity with furthering his education with UCI and plans to be the best version of himself towards everyone he meets.

Victor Lopez

My name is Victor Lopez. I am an incarcerated student at Richard J. Donovan State Prison. Serving a life sentence does not give a father much room to be a positive role model. Educating myself to motivate my daughter Arriana was the best that I could do. My past actions does not define who I am, with or without my freedom, I will contrive to be a better man.

Martha Trujillo

Martha Coral Trujillo is a 28-year-old currently attending Fullerton College to obtain a Paralegal Certificate after having completed a Master's Degree in Criminology, Law and Society. Martha's goal is to become a Criminal Lawyer and to continue to work with supporting youth at risk. Martha continues to write in journals and is currently working on Journal 33. Martha's passion for assisting and serving underrepresented youth has been the motivation for her to continue to reach higher and do more in the Justice System.

Patrick Acuña

Patrick was born in San Gabriel, California but was raised by the carceral system. After three decades of incarceration, he is the first member of UCI’s LIFTED (Leveraging Inspiring Futures Through Educational Degrees) to transition to campus as a first-generation senior with an emphasis in Psychological Science and Criminology, Law, and Society. When Patrick isn’t on campus, he volunteers with Guide Dogs of America where he trains dogs for children on the autism spectrum and veterans managing PTSD and/or overcoming combat related mobility impairment. His other passions include backcountry hiking, working out, and traveling. He’s recently returned from a 30-day cross country road trip where he slept on the sidewalk of New York’s Time Square, a back-alley doorway in DC, and the parking lot of a Las Vegas Cracker Barrel.

Yuzhou Michael Ju

Yuzhou Michael Ju, a second-year Sociology major at UCI, is an international student who was born and raised in Chongqing, China. He completed his entire K-12 education in China before coming to the U.S. for college. Yuzhou is particularly interested in immigration studies, with a focus on Chinese Americans. Whenever he visits a Chinatown, he feels curious about the people there: what motivates them to move to a distant place, and how do they establish new homes in an unfamiliar country? First-generation immigrants, in particular, must have made significant commitments to their entire families in order to support the future of their offspring. In his free time, Yuzhou dedicates most of his time to volunteering as a tour guide at art exhibitions or historical relics museums in Chongqing. He guides visitors through exhibitions showcasing Dunhuang Buddhist murals and shares the history of Chongqing's role as the War Capital of China during WWII.

Feliz Aguilar

Feliz is a disabled, non-binary, first-generation, Latinx creator proudly hailing from the East Side of Salinas, CA. They recently graduated from UC Irvine in June 2023, double majoring in Literary Journalism and International Studies. Their passion for learning and experiences as a first-generation student inspired them to question the accessibility of post-undergraduate higher education, leading to the piece featured in this issue. The people fighting injustice around the world are their greatest inspiration, and they hope to continue standing in solidarity with those resisting oppression globally — whether in writing or on the ground.

Helena San Roque

My name is Helena San Roque. I’m a third year Literary Journalism major at UCI. I wrote my piece “Azat Artsakh, Free Us All'' as a nod to my Armenian heritage. However, it’s more than that— it wasn’t until college that I learned about the broad anti-imperialist struggle across various nations in Latin America, Palestine, Armenia, the Philippines, India, etc… In this piece, I talk about Armenia and Palestine: in 2020 the Artsakh war broke out after a decades long armistice between Armenia and Azerbaijan. Israel, which has committed grave atrocities against Palestine, continued to support Azerbaijan in their unjust war against Armenia, resulting in capturing Armenian territory in a trial of human rights abuses. But when your father’s homeland is attacked, what can I, an “American” college student, do? For me, to truly help emancipate my people, the answer was to get educated and organize.

Guadalupe Parra

Guadalupe is a first-generation student majoring in History with the goal of becoming a teacher. She was born in a tiny town in Jalisco, Mexico, and moved to the US with her parents when she was three. She grew up in the San Fernando Valley, surrounded by Mexican culture, and uses that as inspiration in her poetry.

Mariah Rosario

My name is Mariah Rosario and I am a UCI 2022 graduate and alumni. The following portfolio I submitted is my college senior thesis I submitted for my final. It depicts my story of self-emancipation and finding myself through independence and trauma.

Makyla McLeod

Makyla is a Black, first-generation student born and raised in North Carolina. She is currently entering her 3rd year in undergrad with a double major in International Studies and Literary Journalism. As the author of "I Educate", Makyla looked to voice not only her personal experience as the oldest child in a southern Black household looking to further her education, but to also pay homage and express gratitude to the village that continues to help her get there. In her free time, besides writing, she enjoys listening to music, reading, playing video games, and watching horror movies.

Serenity Thu Ritchey

Serenity is a third-year English major from Garden Grove, CA. She has a soft spot for poetry, among other things, like honeycombs, and the color green. She thinks words are pretty sweet and wants to believe in them. (Sometimes she does).

Josie Bitnes

Originally from Washington, Josie is a second year criminology, law, and society major seeking a literary journalism minor. She plans on attending law school to become a criminal defense attorney. In her free time, she skis with UCI’s Ski and Snowboard club and enjoys playing guitar, reading, and being outside in nature.

Corbin Li

Corbin is a first-generation college student studying Civil Engineering at UC Irvine. Growing up in California, they fell in love alongside Pacific air, late night guitar, and bonfires at the beach. Corbin’s passions lie in the intersection between engineering, art, and society, and they look forward to further exploring these topics in future years.

Erik Perez

First and foremost my name is Erik Perez and I am 20 years young. I am an artistic expressionist and Chicano artist. I’m from Southern California where we dream big and plant seeds for the world to flourish.

Francisco Vazquez

My name is Francisco Vazquez and I am 20 years old from the city of Santa Ana–that’s the place I call home. I’ve been in and out of the Orange County Juvenile Hall since the age of 14. I’m on my way to prison and I’m in a different mindset than the one I had 2 years ago when I first got here. In here I like to read, draw, and work out. I got a hidden talent which is to sing and I would like to pursue that upon release. I attend college here and I try to be a role model for my peers. In the future I hope to give back to my community, which I used to terrorize at some point.

Helen Barahona

Helen Barahona recently graduated from the University of California, Irvine (‘23). She double-majored in Political Science (Honors) & Sociology and over the summer she interned in DC with the Shadow Topics team as a research intern at the Political Violence Lab. Prior to working with the lab she served as a student assistant at the UCI Basic Needs Center, and as the managing editor for LUCID through the Dream Project Fellowship. During her free-time she likes to read, write, paint, rate movies on letterboxd and go bike-riding!

Jaaziel de la Luz

I am from Veracruz, Mexico and currently a second year math PhD student at UCI. I enjoy writing, reading philosophy, skateboarding, learning languages, traveling, hiking, jogging, sketching, and doing research. I am passionate about community building and exploring the world.

Juan Jimenez

My name is juan jimenez. 
I’ve been incarcerated for 
just about 5 yrs. In the 
midst of this quest, I’ve 
developed a hobby!
             I’m a writer 
from the ghetto! Don’t you 
disregard my message . . .
Told them all that made me 
feel like I was less than: 
             Here’s a little bout my story. Not a boy. I know 
             I’m destined

Pablo Ramirez

My name is Pablo. They also call me Pablito. At this moment Im placed in JH. In here I’ve learned many things about myself and my surroundings. I’ve learned how the brain works and how trauma affects your thinking. Right now I’m going to high school at the moment. Ima graduate in December. Im excited because I want to go to college. I used to be wild. I didn’t care about life Itself. All I cared about was putting in work for my hood and shit like that. that was me out there. In here Im more calm kick back. I’m changing. This change Im doing is mostly for my family. They need me out there to support them emotionally and financially. I [used to be] the man of the house. At a young age I would work hard and pay my jefa for rent. [My mom] would struggle and that bummed me out, but there were also times where I shit where I slept. Now Im focused on getting my education and learning new stuff every day. Im more open minded. When I get out me voy a poner las pellas to work hard to buy a house for my lil family. I want to be a welder. I wanna learn the art of welding. Im a hands on person. Im thankful for everything I’ve been through. It taught me a lot.

Samog-J Lemon

I am a current student at Irvine Valley College and I'm majoring in communicative disorders. I was born in Anaheim. I love spending time with family and friends; as I got older I realized how important that was. I am a Christian and go to church with my great grandma every Sunday. I like to write poems on the beach; it’s my new way of clearing my mind. I actually do write now to clear my head, something I would’ve never knew I liked but I find therapeutic.

Allan Plata

Born in City of Orange, Ca., my family and I have moved from room to room. Eventually my mother was able to afford an apartment of her own. I always lived in rural areas in the same city then eventually I would get involved with the people in my environment. Father was in and out the picture due to negative habits and mother was either busy or would put her priorities before her own children. My sister was a second mother and also a friend that would try to guide me to do better things for myself, though I was stubborn and didn’t want to listen to what others had to say.

Dee Richards

Dee Richards is a neurodiverse writer of feminist horror and memoir, holding a BA in English from UC Irvine, and a current master’s candidate in Creative Writing. Dee has worked as a writer for Phi Beta Kappa and CBR.com; beside professional publications, their work has appeared in ten anthologies, and has achieved three awards for creative non-fiction.  Dee’s main focuses are in autotheory and its intersections with fiction, hybrid forms, and graphic literature, with a particular passion for graphic memoir. For more of their work, please visit deerichardswrites.medium.com.

Luisa Fernanda Benitez

My name is Luisa Fernanda Benitez Q. I grew up in Huntington Park as a first gen mexican american. Double majoring in sociology, and Gender & sex studies with a minor in queer studies i’ve always wanted to work within my community. Pursuing a career has only further pushed me into my art. In my poetry i discuss topics of my story, my culture, my gender and other vulnerable parts of my identity and life. I love to block print, read science fiction, needle felt, Minecraft and paint. I love to listen to Amanditititita, Maria Daniela y Su Sonido Lasser, Mickey Darling and El General. I hope to publish a poetry book and work on other creative endeavors like working with glass and clothing designs!!!

Rohan Webb

Rohan Webb is an 18 year old undergraduate researcher at the Sue and Bill Gross Stem Cell Research Center. Having grown up in Virginia and gone to high school in Missouri, they're now a premed student at UC Irvine. When they're not knee deep in textbooks, Rohan enjoys exploring backwoods trails, nestling up with a good novel, or chasing a thunderstorm across midwestern plains. Rohan tries to use poetry to give voice and form to feelings they can't quite get across in words.

Jo Jenkins

Jo Jenkins is a creative and portrait photographer studying Art at UC Irvine. As a black woman artist, she has observed a lack of authentic cultural representation in photography as a common theme. Her work aims to capture melanated skin tones in her photography while highlighting subtle vibrance accurately. This piece was created to bring awareness to childhood cancer. To cope with the catastrophic loss of her baby sister to cancer, photography has served her as an artistic medium in which she can capture the lives of her family, creating memories that, unfortunately, outlive them.

Isabelle Tran

My name is Isabelle Tran, a UCI undergraduate student studying math. The drawing "My Dad" depicts what my dad's body looked like during his battle of fighting rectal cancer. During the time he was struggling to find an appetite and it caused him to be extremely skinny. Although he has now passed, I drew this to recognize those like my dad who struggle with medical issues but continue to stay strong.

Isabel Schwager

Hello! My name is Isabel Schwager. I’m a student at Santa Ana College studying to be a graphic designer. I was born and raised in Orange County in a multicultural and multiracial/ethnic family. My passion is everything related to visual art. Currently I’m exploring how visual design and aspects of computer science can make products and services more usable, enjoyable, and accessible for people. As a disabled student from a low-income family who has self- advocated for access to the American educational system, I identify with the idea that social justice and equity in education are still evolving. The arts, as a powerful platform for communication and education have always been a historical medium for social change. I’m interested in using this platform to improve the lives of students like me and others who find themselves underrepresented and disadvantaged in society.

Kayla Jackson

Kayla Jackson is an undergraduate student at UC Irvine, originating from Modesto, Ca. In her writing, she draws on personal experiences and stories to forge connections that resonate with readers. Her piece, "Women's Health: Look Your Best" reflects on past moments that have shaped her perspective, illustrating the often-overlooked impact of our actions and words on others. Outside of her studies, Kayla enjoys writing, painting, and baking.

Jacqueline Salazar Romo

Jacqueline Salazar Romo is a first-generation UCI Literary Journalism alum and avid creative, being passionate about writing and illustration ever since she can remember. Born in Jalisco, Mexico, Jacqueline immigrated to the United States with her family at ten years old in search of better opportunities and economic advancement. Her lived experience as not only a first-gen immigrant and college graduate, but also as a queer Latina trying to come to terms with having multiple identities to juggle, has greatly shaped her perspective and projects, as she hopes to be a vocal advocate for marginalized and underrepresented voices and to bring difficult but important conversations to mainstream audiences. She received her Bachelor of Arts in 2023 and has since explored various other fields, from data analytics to marketing to public health, but always ends up returning to her creative projects. She hopes to continue learning and pursuing her lifelong aspiration of being a fulfilled author-illustrator.

Rana Darwich

My name is Rana Darwich, and I'm a second-year student at Irvine Valley College with plans to transfer to a four-year university within the University of California System. Through my writing, I've discovered a sense of community and found my voice, particularly in publications like Lucid. For me, writing is a way to seek Truth, and I strive to be as honest as possible in my work. While I don't believe there is an objective truth to be found, I do believe that when two people find common ground in an experience, they become witnesses to a shared perspective, which is more valuable, more persuasive, and less lonely, than a single perspective.

I oppose filtering my writing just to avoid addressing taboo topics because I believe in making writing accessible to everyone, not just those who can relate to your achievement and accomplishments. My goal is to communicate effectively with readers from all walks of life. We all share common feelings and experiences, and while stoicism has its place, the trend of hiding our struggles, perpetuated by social media’s portrayal of idealism, has become the source of isolation, which I believe has no place in an educational setting. This creates the illusion that people are alone in their challenges, when in reality, many of us face the same difficulties. I believe that if we, as students, can't admit we’re struggling, we only promote isolation and a fictitious reality. Where in a community where so many of us share aspects of our sometimes, extremely imperfect lives. The truth I hope to convey is that nobody is truly alone in their struggles. There is common ground beyond idealism. 

Tracy Wangui Njuguna

Hi, my name is Tracy Njuguna but I also go by Koi. (Fun fact) Koi is the shorthand version of my full Kenyan middle name. Hence, I chose to go by Koi Visualss to keep hold of my Kenyan roots. I am a beginner photographer with an eye for capturing both special and regular moments in life. My passion for photography comes from my upbringing. With being the first in my family to grow up and get an education in America, documentation has been a big part of my life as well as my family's. Along with that, music has also played a driving force in my interest in storytelling, both visually with photo and video. So to combine the two, documentation and storytelling, is what brought me where I am today.

Naomi Salazar

My name is Naomi Salazar, and I was raised in a border city named Calexico. I am the eldest out of three sisters, and the daughter of my mother- the inspiration behind so much of what I do. I’ve always found solace in academics and continue to indulge in being a student in higher education, even four years after my acceptance into UCI. On campus, I’ve filled my days with the Psychology B.S. major requirements, working for undergraduate housing, program planning for the Latinx Resource Center, and getting to know the people who have brightened my time here. I had the privilege of being immersed in my culture because the border was within the eye-view of my front yard. So, to me being, learning, and thinking about Mexico was about moving forward (into that front yard). Moving away from home and being exposed to a sense of diversity foreign to me has forced me to think and evaluate my identity, and so much of what I’ve uncovered makes me yearn for simplicity that is unattainable if we want much-needed change. My writing seeks personal clarity within these emotions resulting from grander, more complex systems and ideas surrounding me.

Mia Aburto

Mia Aburto is a sophomore at UC Irvine majoring in software engineering. She spends most of her free time painting, crocheting, reading, or writing. For her, art is a medium that can inspire other people or, in this case, help others become self-aware of their mental health. Before going to UCI, Mia went to school in Mexico, so many of her inspirations are based on authors such as Laura Esquivel and Juan Rulfo, whom she read in high school.

Niki Emadi

I was born and raised in Iran and moved to the United States two years ago. Currently, I’m an art student at OCC. My approach to creating art is very intuitive. On the surface, my work often serves as a visual experiment with different mediums, as one of my biggest inspirations is the medium itself. On a subconscious level, my art always carries a piece of me—whether it’s a reflection of a feeling, an experience, or simply a showcase of my latest drawing skills.

Mikiztli Sarapura Ortiz

I am a nontraditional student and veteran from the Appalachian mountains. I graduated from UCI with a B.S. in Earth System Science. I am Huichol (Wixaritari) on my mother’s side and Quechua on my father’s side. I have a spiritual and scientific connection to the earth that drives both my academic work and pass time. I enjoy being in nature, beadwork, making jewelry, and going to concerts. I enjoy everything from Chicano Batman to Type O Negative.

Julian Smith-Newman

Julian Smith-Newman is a writer of fiction and non-fiction as well as a committed member of the Los Angeles Tenants Union. He teaches composition at UC Irvine.

John Gillespie

John Gillespie Jr. is an artist, songwriter, and PhD candidate in Comparative Literature at the University of California, Irvine. His research interests include: Black suicide as a problem for thought; continental philosophy and critical psychiatry; science and technology studies; and Black aesthetics. His writing has been published in places such as the Encyclopedia for Racism in American Film, Propter Nos, Critical Ethnic Studies, Catalyst, Machina and more. He is also the creator and writer of the Mumble Theory blog and is currently working on releasing an album under the same name.

Selah Garrett

clown

Leticia Espinoza

Leticia Espinoza is a 21-year-old undergraduate majoring in Criminology Law & Society and minoring in Public Health at UC Irvine. In both areas of study, she hopes to inform her on social issues within her community. Leticia aims to attend Law School after college and obtain a Law Degree in Corporate or Civil Law. She hopes to use her future career to contribute any financial resources to ending sexual assault on college campuses and uplifting young college women. This is motivated by her current involvement in the UC Irvine CARE office’s Violence Intervention & Prevention course. Which offers her training for at-risk situations to then bring back to SFL spaces and her Panhellenic chapter.

Lorene Delany-Ullman

Lorene Delany-Ullman's book of prose poems, Camouflage for the Neighborhood, won the 2011 Sentence Award. She recently published her poetry and creative nonfiction in Citric Acid, Zócalo Public Square, and TAB: A Journal of Poetry & Poetics. The following anthologies have included her work: Orange County, A Literary Field Guide, Bared: Contemporary Poetry and Art on Bras and Breast, Beyond Forgetting: Poetry and Prose about Alzheimer’s Disease, and Alternatives to Surrender. She collaborates with artist Jody Servon on Saved: Objects of the Dead, a photographic and poetic exploration of the human experience of life, death, and memory. Excerpts from their collaborative project have been published in AGNI, Tupelo Quarterly, Tarpaulin Sky, Palaver, Lunch Ticket, and Citric Acid and exhibited nationwide in over thirty museums, galleries, and libraries. In January 2023, Artsuite (Wilson, NC) published a book version of Saved: Objects of the Dead. Delany-Ullman taught composition for twenty-four years at the University of California, Irvine.

Rachael Collins

Rachael has been an educator and teacher of writing in the California Community College system and at UCI since 2005. A proud homeschooled student, CCC transfer and UC graduate twice over with a PhD in early modern poetry, Rachael is committed to curriculum design that focuses on providing high quality, innovative, and democratically-centered writing instruction to disadvantaged learners, including those who are limited to online learning environments. Drawing upon the multidisciplinary, multimedia work published in Lucid, Rachael's courses focus on the transformative potential of personal writing in higher education. She thinks that when students are given the space and the tools to express themselves, they write beautifully.

Ryan "Flaco" Rising

Ryan Flaco Rising, West Coast Credible Messengers Director and PhD candidate in Criminology Law and Society at the University of California, Irvine, leverages his personal experience as a formerly incarcerated individual to assist others transitioning into higher education at UCI. His research focuses on creating pathways for formerly incarcerated individuals in higher education and analyzing the evolution of related programs. Ryan's advocacy, including founding the Gaucho Underground Scholars Program at the University of California, Santa Barbara, has played a pivotal role in expanding similar programs across UC campuses. He has received prestigious awards for his work and authored pieces in various publications, showcasing the power of formerly incarcerated individuals in producing innovative solutions and sustainable pathways for their communities, encapsulated in his 'Organic Leadership' theory.

Lisandra Rising

Lisandra is an Undergraduate at the University of California, Irvine majoring in Social Policy and Public Service with a focus on Education. Lisandra serves as the Recruitment Coordinator for the Underground Scholars program at UCI. She is also part of a blended family and lives with her son and daughter who are both 14.

Mia Voloshin

Mia is a Freshman at University High and plays indoor volleyball. On her free time, she enjoys being with her friends, shopping, and going to the beach. She eventually wants to pursue college courses before and after she graduates high school.

Riley Rising

Riley is originally from Montana and moved to CA last year in eighth grade. He is now a Freshman at University High and is involved with jiu jitsu and wrestling at his high school. Riley enjoys skateboarding and free-styling on his free time. He wants to join the marines after he graduates.

Pedro Nieves

Pedro Nieves is a Visual Storyteller, photographer, and a UC Irvine Alumni who graduated with a Bachelors in Studio Arts. Pedro works as a freelance portrait photographer, volunteers as a sports photographer for Antelope Valley College, and is a member of the West Coast Credible Messengers. He also uses his photography to tell stories of culture, dreams, and pride and bring awareness to current issues within the immigrant and formerly incarcerated/ system-impacted communities. He is currently attending Antelope Valley College in pursuit of a videography certificate to broaden his storytelling skills. He looks forward to further developing his photography and putting his name out in the art world.