I stood there in awe, my breath taken away as I watched the older dancers perform on the stage from my dance school. At that moment, I completely fell in love with ballet. Other students were there too, it was the same reaction, mouths slightly opened by our shock, and our eyes completely locked. They were beautiful, elegant, a presence like no other. Their arms moved so delicately, the difficult jumps looked smooth, and they made everything look so easy. I sat there watching with a small glimpse of my future, hoping one day I would be the one in pointe shoes and dancing a pas de deux1 just as beautiful as they did. However, what I didn't know at that moment was the discipline, time, and effort I had to go through to get these results.
“The very things that make dancers well-suited to ballet can be their undoing.” Chloe Angyal is a former ballerina who talks about the strict logic of ballet ingrained into her. The idea that 'Not everyone is made for ballet', she writes, does not make a safe environment to grow as dancers because it focuses solely on the individual dancer and their imperfections. “This logic says, it's not because there's something wrong with ballet—there's something wrong with you.”
My mom put me in ballet classes when I was five. Every day we learned about coordination with music, standing properly, and exercises that improved our memorization. It provided the fundamental base for the future. Dancing shaped my mind, it helped me be more healthy, organized, and responsible in many ways. I became more expressive and performed better at school, and it made me come out of my shell. As I write this, I acknowledge the opportunities ballet has given me and the positive impact it continues to have on my life. However, that is not to say that ballet is just wearing tutus and looking pretty. The rigorous discipline causes many students like myself to crumble by the amount of pressure and expectations to excel at the sport.
The outer sole is the only part of the shoe that makes contact with the floor. It is the connection between the dancer and the stage. Similarly, the early years are the base of ballet, they shape your mentality, dreams, and expectations for the future. Often, the teachers would mention how the best dancers always had pretty collarbones, and noticeable hip bones, among other adjectives, all of which were describing someone skinny. As kids, we didn't take it seriously but this changed once I became a teenager, because now I cared about other people’s opinions. Ballet classes started to get harder and every student had more responsibilities, we were always expected to get better. I would head straight to dance school after I finished my extracurriculars at school. I couldn't stop at my house due to time constraints so I had to make sure I had everything in my bag before leaving:
1 leotard (or more if there are rehearsals)
1 short black transparent skirt
1 pair of tights
1 pair of leggings
1 long-sleeved shirt (for contemporary class)
1 long black skirt (for character dance)
1 pair of character shoes
1 long pink transparent skirt (romanticism class)
1 pink superior band2
1 pair of pointe shoes
1 pair of pointe shoes without inner soles3
1 pair of ballet slippers
1 sewing kit (for pointe shoes)
1 block of tape for the toes
1 pair of toe pouches4
Spenco 2nd Skin squares5
1 nail clipper (just in case)
3 Resistance bands
Gel
A jar full of bobby pins
2 hair nets
2 rubber bands
Slowly, as the items in my bag increased, expectations did too. Although the teacher didn't say anything directly, small details were noticeable, favoritism and preferences were definitely noticeable. I immediately connected being skinny as the requirement to even be considered a good dancer. But where did these expectations come from? I don't think it only came from my teacher. Was it my peers, parents, or even myself? Was it the media? I would be lying if I were to blame one single factor, in this case, ballet, as the sole reason for my problem. I recognize that other extracurriculars as well as social norms also influenced me in many ways, but in this text, I want to focus on the impact of ballet. My intent is not to diminish the sport but to try and make sense of my experiences to understand why many athletes experience a large amount of stress due to the expectations that come from the sport and acknowledge the importance of recognizing mental health issues to stop unhealthy habits and find a balance.
Among professional dance students there seems to be a low mental health literacy, as about half of the dancers reported to be aware of symptoms for personal mental health challenges. Still, only 45% in the total sample were willing to consult a health professional if in need. This finding replicates what has previously been reported from dancers of diverse performance levels, and points to a need for increased health literacy.6 Importantly, the willingness to consult help, progressed with academic progression, which also coincided with the increased frequency of mental health challenges.7
The waist seam holds the back and front shoe together, without understanding its importance a vital part can be overlooked. Health literacy works the same way: if someone does not know what they are doing is unhealthy, how are they supposed to get better?
The box of the pointe shoe has three parts: pleats, vamps, and throat. It is made out of layers of fabric, cardboard, paper, and a lot of glue. This is what holds the toes together, and it is where the entire weight of our body is balanced. In a way, the box encapsulates everything, the good and the bad, and the process of finding a balance by prioritizing your own needs first.
To understand more about ballet as a whole I interviewed my two best friends whom I met in ballet school to gain different perspectives: Iovanska Delgadillo, a current dancer, and Mariana Hernandez, a former dancer. Not surprisingly, we shared many similarities, experiences, and thoughts. Mariana explains her journey throughout the years in ballet:
"I kind of feel like the dynamic changes as you grow. When you are young, you do it just for fun. And then, you grow up. The same discipline now dictates that you have to do it more seriously, which is why I left because it was becoming more and more serious. Which meant more responsibilities and I didn't want to sacrifice other things I was interested in. My point is, as a dancer you have to decide what are your priorities and whether you are going to dedicate yourself to this or not."
As I wrote out her words I realized that the interview echoed my experience, she was describing the same thing, I thought to myself. The evolution of her relationship with ballet as she grew older changed while the expectations of her performance only increased. It is hard as a dancer to find a balance between the sport and other aspects of your life, especially if you have decided not to be a professional dancer. Not making sacrifices for ballet makes you look bad and ‘undisciplined’ so it gets to the point where you forget who to prioritize. Her words brought me comfort as I realized that it wasn’t just me who felt that way.
In the interview, Iowaska encapsulates the feeling many dancers get due to this pressure of succeeding expectations and wanting to be perfect:
"And it's not like something that I think, ‘Oh, it only happens to me’. No, no, not really no. I've seen girls with many blisters on their feet or with fallen nails. And you see them keep going like nothing. You have to keep going because you can't dance correctly, so you have to keep trying until you get it right. And so they are killing themselves, I mean, physically they are exhausting themselves because they are on their little toes and they don't have nails anymore, they have blisters, their feet are bleeding, and you have to keep going because this dance has to come out good."
Toe pouches are an extension of the pointe shoes, a form of padding used to even the pressure between the big toe and the rest. After using the padding for too long, dancers replace them with new ones. During my ballet journey, just like many other dancers, I started to 'forget' to buy them. I was pushing myself harder than what was healthy to not disappoint my teachers and feel worthy. Just like any other dancer, whether it was dead pointe shoes, blisters, broken toenails, or even no nails at all, it was just part of the sport and what you signed up for. After a while, like always, it would just stop hurting. I would think this mindset of putting ballet before me was the right thing to do, the "responsible" thing to do. The compliments kept me going even after I started to be burned out or get injuries.
Every weekday I would be at my dance school from 4:30 pm–8:30 pm, still others stayed longer as the sport requires a lot of discipline and commitment to get better. For example, an arabesque is one of the most famous and used poses in ballet. It requires the dancer to stand on one leg, called the supporting leg, and extend the other leg, the working leg. You have to keep in mind all of the annotations while doing an arabesque. Similarly, every other step in ballet has the same, if not more annotations to keep track of. Who wouldn't become obsessive? Being trained to focus on all the small details that you have to get right, I started recording videos of myself to act as a judge and understand what aspects I needed to improve.
The mirror was my best friend. As I saw the videos I would annotate what I needed to fix. Shoulders are not down. Now, the next time I looked in the mirror I would look at my shoulders and move them around to catch the feeling of having my shoulders down. The feet are not turned out enough. I would go next to the barre facing the mirror and slowly do a tendu8 to see how my feet slowly arched, and then I would look up all of the exercises I found on YouTube to improve my turnout. I did this with every annotation you can think of, exercises to close your rib cage, keep my elbows up, maintain my leg at least above 90 degrees, anything you could think of my teenage self already took notes on.
I thought of myself as someone 'observant' and having 'good discipline', but that spiraled me into being a perfectionist. Although perfectionism is a wanted trait that helps a dancer improve their skills, stay organized, and have a strong work ethic, it can also easily disrupt other areas when taken to the extreme. Before I even knew it, ballet had become an obsession. Abigail Rasminsky perfectly encapsulates the feelings I had by using the term ‘maladaptive perfectionism’ to talk about this issue: "Maladaptive perfectionism is characterized by a constant need for approval, the setting of unreasonable standards, and endless anxiety about meeting those expectations." On the other hand, "People with a healthy drive to succeed understand that there are ups and downs," Silby says. "If they fail to meet expectations, they're able to negotiate through it effectively and use it to move forward. For neurotic perfectionists, it's either success or failure and typically, it's a failure because the standard is so high it's almost impossible to meet."
I'm still at the dance studio, class ended a while ago. I looked out the window to see the dim black sky as I felt the cold breeze from the window touch my shoulders. “Oh it’s already night”, I thought to myself as I continued stretching along with some friends who also stayed up late. Soon after, I decided it was time to record to check my progress.
“Omggg so pretty,” my friend said when I was stretching.
“Ughh,” I sigh in despair. “I still have a long way to go, haha, I want my leg to be straight.”
“You got this, don't worry.” Friends gave me a lot of support and positive comments, but still, I was not satisfied. I would see the videos and photos and immediately take notice of what I was doing wrong.
Now, the mirror has become my enemy. Every time I took the slightest look at the mirror I would see everything that was wrong with me. On the outside I was the healthiest and skinniest I had ever been, but as I recall memories from my past not once did I feel content about myself or my progress. I was so focused on all of my concerns, faults, and what I wasn't doing correctly that I forgot the joy ballet had once brought me. This very logic that Chloe Angyal talks about made me look past all of my accomplishments, after all, I went from someone who couldn't even touch the floor without bending their knees to being able to perform difficult ballet steps which require a lot of flexibility and strength. Just like the side quarter which is the satin that covers the heel and the sides of the foot, I was covering up all of my hard work, diminishing new accomplishments to only focus on the “pretty” results that would never appear.
I was 5'10" and weighed 106 pounds. I remember feeling very fat and full of guilt for feeling this way. Why wasn't I grateful? There are bigger problems than my weight and appearance in this world, it's just a sport, so why am I taking it so seriously? Other aspects of my life did not help either, instead, they continued to feed my “obsession” as I used it to distract myself. In that month of September, my uncle died due to a health condition, my parents fought every day until my dad moved out to an apartment, and after going on a school trip my family told me my cat “had run away.” Still, I did not acknowledge nor validate my emotions, did I want attention that badly? I just thought I was being melodramatic and ungrateful, after all, I knew many friends who had more serious problems than family issues, so it didn't seem fair to complain.
Ballet became an outlet for me; it helped me cope with feelings I was unfamiliar with. I could just dance, have a great time with my friends, and forget about everything else. Ironically, the only time I was actually happy was when I was dancing. That was until I started to form a co-dependency. I confused what was meant to be a stress-relief outlet for me due to lack of support elsewhere, as an outlet I relied on or an excuse I used to ignore my emotions.
This type of mindset soon took over other aspects of my life. In academics, I was getting mad for getting a 9.8 instead of a 9.9 or a 10. I started to eat less so that I would burn more calories than what I ate in hopes of getting skinnier, thus straining my relationship with food. I would either binge a lot or 'forget' to eat from time to time. I would have intrusive thoughts about vomiting, but the only thing that stopped me was not my health, it was the fact that I didn't want my teeth to rot, otherwise, that would affect my appearance as a performer on a stage. I would avoid having anyone take pictures as I didn't want them to look at me, because if they did, they would also see my faults (hence why I wasn't able to add pictures in this section), and if I had free time after doing school and dance work I would just lay in my bed without moving at all.
Every time I would get a gut feeling that what I was doing wasn't right, I would get compliments about my body and how I'd lost weight, and instantly those worries would disappear. I thought I had to be doing something right, why else would I get so much positive feedback? Then again, why did I feel fatter every time someone complimented me on getting so skinny? As I write this I now realize I had developed a deep hatred for myself. I was constantly stressed, the only way I managed to calm myself down was by touching my eyebrows. I would move my index finger from the center of my forehead to the end of my brows, and repeat the motion from left to right. Then I would stay at the tails of the brows and move my finger up and down, up and down, and up and down. Sometimes, when I was very stressed I would start to pull some of my hair off. I wanted to stop but I couldn't bring myself to do it.
“Just one more time,” I would say to myself while I continued to rub my eyebrows. “I’ll stop in 5 minutes,” I would say after saying the same sentences 30 minutes ago. “I won’t touch them tomorrow,” I would say knowing well I would the next day.
The vamp is supposed to support a dancer's toes and metatarsals, they come in different lengths as they all have to be suited for the dancer's type of feet. However when a dancer gets a vamp too long or short for them it limits their ability to dance and if not fixed, it hurts their toes in the long run. What is thought to be a support system can also be used to hurt that same individual when they don't realize it.
As I continued to ignore my emotions my eyebrows started to get thinner and thinner until it became noticeable. No matter how much I tried to stop I couldn't, even if I tried instead biting my nails one more time they would start bleeding. I had accomplished most of the goals I had set for myself, had many friends in school, and received many awards in life both academically and in dance, but still, I couldn't stop touching my eyebrows. That was the moment I realized I had a problem and I needed to get better.
Acknowledging my problem was the first step in getting better, now I was starting to identify toxic behaviors I had in ballet. I realized that a lot of my friends also talked so negatively about themselves, and that is when it hit me. Students didn't see each other as competition, instead, we were healthy rivals who supported and challenged each other. We were our biggest supporters. Seeing my friend talk so badly about herself crushed me, why is she doing that to herself? Her pirouettes9 are perfect, why can't she see it? As millions of questions came over my mind I suddenly realized that I was also doing the same thing. We were setting ourselves up for failure, trying to meet expectations so high that were genetically out of our reach. After talking to her about it we decided to call each other out on these toxic behaviors in hopes of prioritizing our self-care and getting rid of those habits.
The community I found in ballet truly helped me to get better. I've made friends for life with whom I've formed unbreakable bonds by our deep understanding of each other. They were the ones who made me fall in love with ballet again. I immediately set a boundary with dance, only going 3 days instead of 6. It allowed me to explore other clubs in my school and focus on hobbies that were related to the career I was interested in. Being able to find a balance between ballet and my life helped me remind myself that I was dancing for myself, not for anyone else. Still, I found myself struggling to get rid of the many 'toxic habits' I had acquired.
I accepted the fact that I couldn't just bottle up my emotions. I was so used to being detached from everything that letting myself truly feel my emotions was overwhelming. But I wanted to keep my eyebrows so the least I could do was try. I wish I could make a summary of the steps to follow to get better, but I can't. Finding a balance has not been linear, there are ups and downs but during the journey, I managed to find peace within myself. To this day there are times when I still struggle to stop touching my eyebrows or stop being too critical of myself which is why I've never weighed myself again since the pandemic and why I find myself touching my eyebrows as I struggle to study for my finals. I thought that everything didn't matter unless I met everyone’s expectations of me, as I write this I realize just how wrong I was. All of our lives we strive to meet every expectation imposed by our community that we forget ourselves. We get used to seeing and judging faults that no one else sees.
The structure of a pointe shoe is so pretty, captivating, and interesting. It requires a dancer's strength to stand on them, let alone balance. Sometimes it is hard to find stability while dancing but breaking the cycle of expectations and letting yourself relax and enjoy this journey is what makes it worthwhile. Every time I think of ballet I don't remember the milestones or the worst parts, I remember having so much fun with my friends, because that’s what matters.
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