I stepped into the small blue skirt and slowly began to pull it over my thighs and hips. It was a fitting day for the new season. They were cheer skirts, more elastic than regular. Each skirt had three buttons to adjust to each girl correctly. Snug. The skirt was too tight. It didn’t feel odd. I've done this before. In fitting rooms, I tried on multiple sizes and picked which fit best. I mean that was the point of a fitting room. I stepped out of it and asked if they had a medium. “Oh, yes of course, but they're usually for the older girls,” the middle-aged slim brunette woman said. She gave me a look of embarrassment or almost shame. It was one of the most prevalent memories where I had felt it: the feeling that my body decided who I was, and what I was worth. I was in the third grade. I was just eight years old. It wasn't the first time and it surely wouldn't be my last.
Since I was young, I have felt the pressure of having a perfectly small and thin body. It was not something I automatically knew. It was something taught to me, passed down to me, and enforced upon me. I do not necessarily blame those around me for spreading this narrative as it was probably passed to them at a young age too, but this narrative did ruin who I was. When I was young, there were no pressures. I wore what I wanted, despite the body expectations that were waiting for me. I lived life freely, without judgment. Until I didn't. I don't know exactly when it changed. But in the blink of an eye, my body became my worth. It became the measurement of whether I looked good, which affected whether I felt good. These pressures affected my physical health along with my mental health. I began to fall into unhealthy dieting and exercise habits. I would go between binging and fasting, along with constantly blaming myself for my appearance. It was hard to endure the eyes of judgment from the people around me, but it was a different type of pain to constantly be told that I was not good enough by my own brain. Although there are many people who suffer from eating disorders and body dissatisfaction, I felt alone. I felt that people did not have to go through as much struggle as I did to get a slim body, that it came easy for everyone except me.
Body dissatisfaction is a hard and most times lonely experience where individuals feel an overwhelming sense of inadequacy and self-loathing towards their physical appearance. Social media and cultural traditions magnify the pressures from social beauty standards. The anguish of not feeling "enough" can lead to a spiral into depression, anxiety, and eating disorders. The journey to overcome body dissatisfaction is often difficult, requiring a nurturing environment that promotes body positivity, defies unrealistic beauty ideals, and fosters a genuine sense of self-worth and acceptance. Sadly, most women don't receive this type of support from their community or culture. Body expectations stem from cultural beliefs. While some cultures believe a woman’s body is best when they are strong and well-built, others believe that the female body is meant to be petite. These body standards become incorporated into U.S. society, but the ideal that remains is the most exclusive. Exclusion drives the trend. The less likely everyone will be in a specific group, the more likely people will do everything in their power to be a part of it. Exclusion is the aesthetic. Exclusion sells.
These pressures cause a negative atmosphere of body image. It leads young individuals, mostly young women, to become dissatisfied with their natural body. They fall into the belief that their body has to go through extensive exercise, dieting, or surgery to look good. It is healthy to have body goals, but such body goals should never make someone feel dissatisfied with their body or not enough. I aim to explore the negative pressures and help others understand the unrealistic ideals that are encouraged within society. I hope this autoethnography helps readers reflect on whether they contribute to the exclusive ideals, participate in the expectation of bodies, and what they can do to stop the spread of this narrative.
Many individuals become obsessed with their bodies, adding to the pressures already presented by society. The obsession forms habits that may cause danger to physical and mental health. Things meant to give us a healthy lifestyle can also be dangerous to our health. The gym. The gym is meant for individuals to participate in physical activities to benefit their health. In some cases, the gym becomes an obsession. Overworking their bodies till exhaustion. Losing the meaning of the gym, which is to benefit their health. There are other ways in which people participate in unhealthy habits. Some examples include dieting and purging. In dieting, individuals begin to limit food from their daily diets. Then they begin to remove food from their diet, rather than just unhealthy foods. This puts the body at many risks. Although you may be losing weight, the body becomes weak. The lack of food results in a lack of nutrients, minerals, and energy your body requires to survive. In other cases, individuals understand the necessity to eat, but they feel guilty for their decisions. As a result, they may begin to use a form of expelling the food from their body to “feel better.” These habits do not just stem from only the individual. It is created by their community, the media, and the constant glorification of skinny, but somehow curvy, body types across the United States.
According to the Women’s Health Magazine website, their magazines are “trusted, award-winning source of information on the latest health, fitness, weight loss, nutrition, and beauty news and trends. Women's Health seeks to empower readers with tips and insights from the latest health and wellness research and leading experts in the field—but presented in a fun, engaging way that helps readers lead happier, healthier lives.” Women's Health was the most memorable magazine of my childhood. I remember seeing their magazines line the aisles of grocery stores. Each cover page telling me to lose weight and to do it fast.
Women’s Health Magazine has contributed to false narratives and false results. It wasn't until recently, that the magazine became more inclusive and less focused on body types and weight loss. “Bikini Body in 2 Weeks,” the 2015 headline of their magazine writes. The woman next to the headline is Gwyneth Paltrow showing off her thin and toned figure. Women’s Health has since changed its perspective on using phrases such as “bikini body,” but the narratives created did not disappear. As a woman who has started a lifestyle of working out and eating better, the headline is unrealistic. Not only is it extremely difficult to drop enough weight for a “bikini body” in just two weeks, but there is no one-size-fits-all. Becoming “thinner” requires exercise, dieting, commitment, and most importantly time. It requires regimens and workout plans fit for your body. But the problem is what is a “bikini body?” Is it not a body in a bikini? These terms encourage readers, young and old, to change their bodies and make them smaller, or like the one in the picture. These magazines are seen by young girls every day and it affects how they perceive others and themselves. It is not only Women’s Health Magazine that encourages and instills that thinner is better. The things we see and hear influence our choices. Influences our mind. And at the time, influenced my worth.
“Do you want to grab a snack with me at break?” my friend had asked me during class.
“Yeah, of course,” I quickly replied.
After the bell rang, my friend and I grabbed our stuff and walked to the snack bar. My friend was short and petite. She had a slim and toned figure. We had been playing basketball together for the last two years. As sophomores, our practices were right after school so eatingduring breaks was necessary. Or so I thought. As we approached the snack bar, she took out two crumpled dollars. It wasn't enough to buy a sandwich or even a muffin. Confusion swept over my face as I tried to figure out what she was going to buy. My brain began to scramble trying to understand, “Maybe she's going to grab more money? Maybe she's just grabbing a drink before she gets her food? Maybe she's brought food from home?”
And then she said it, words that would haunt me, “Can I have one Snicker and one blue Sour Punch straw please?” She asked the lady standing in the window. The lady handed her the candy in trade for the money. Two pieces of candy. That was it.
“Is that all you're gonna eat?” I asked stunned about her food choice.
“Yeah, I usually eat candy so I have sugar for practice.” She replied without hesitation. I had never seen such extreme dieting before. For the next few days, I thought about how little she ate and the body she had. I thought about how little nutrients she was getting and the lack of strength her body must have felt. I questioned where she learned such dieting habits. I thought to myself, “Why would anyone want to just eat that?” The next week I walked to the snack window with two dollars in hand ready to order the very same thing. That year I had lost 15 pounds. My constant cardio, lack of eating, and busy schedule had made me drop weight significantly. My body lost most nutrients. Although I was thinner, I was also weaker.
It is not a problem to have a small waist and watch what you eat. It is a problem when you begin to base your value on whether your body fits the expectation. CNN Health Reporter, Jacqueline Howard, writes, “Thousands of years ago, sculptures and artworks portrayed curvaceous, thickset silhouettes. More recently, in the late 20th century, thin, waif-like models filled the pages of fashion magazines. Now, shapely backsides are celebrated with “likes'' on social media.” Her article, “The History of the ‘Ideal’ Woman and Where That Has Left Us,”explains the ideals set for women and how it has changed throughout history. She notes that although they may differ, the pressures and exclusion are still felt. Howard takes a dive into women’s body figures throughout the centuries. These trends of having expectations of women’s bodies have caused women to risk their physical and mental health. These quick-changing “aesthetics” treat women’s bodies as dolls, in which limbs can be removed and replaced at any given moment. These beliefs are not realistic nor is it natural. To accomplish these “looks” in such a quick amount of time requires money, dieting, exercise, and in many cases surgical body enhancements. Many women do not have access to all these resources, but the ones that do go to great lengths and risks to look “perfect.” But it feels like right when you're close to the “look” or the “ideal” it changes again. Like a dog chasing its tail, you're so close, but yet so far.
I walked into the gymnasium after school. It had been a few months since I made a two-dollar, candy purchase for a meal. The bleachers were beginning to pack in with families and friends ready to watch their sons, brothers, or good friends play. One of the player's mothers came up to me. I had gone to school with her son for the last eleven years. She was well-built, not necessarily thin, but kept herself active. She had blonde hair and a warm smile. I had talked to her many times before. As she approached me, her eyes moved from my face to my body and back to my face again. So subtly that only the two of us could have known. And there it was again. In a matter of seconds, my worth, my beauty, and my whole well-being were measured by a glance.
“Wow, Kayla! Look at you! You look so thin,” she said with enthusiasm.
Words of kindness and encouragement, or what they were supposed to be, cut through like a hot knife. On one hand, I was happy that I was thin, that I looked like the other girls. Her words felt like appreciation and acknowledgment of the suffering I had endured. But on the other hand, it made me come to a realization. The way in which she said I looked good, felt like she was telling me that the old me, the healthy me, was ugly. That the new version of me, the one that was exhausted, starving, and weak, was better than who I was before. As I continued to drop weight, the comments on my new and “better” appearance increased. I continued to hear this for the next several months.
The body type set for women is to be small and petite, or in other words to appear weak. The “ideal” look for a woman in U.S. society is to never look too strong or too tall. These ideals almost never benefit the woman. We are encouraged and pressured to never outdo a man. We must sit, look good, and be quiet. We must leave the important work to the man. It is not that all men directly contribute to the expectation, but many men do and many others do it indirectly.
There are some who do not agree with the standard but they do not stand up for women either. These actions further the problems we see in society. The community and people who surround you influence your personal views. The comments your family makes on different body types shape your own body image. Your friends' everyday conversations on appearance change your views too. The pictures you see when you open multiple social media apps reinforce the idea that the delicate and small appearance is the most viewed, most liked, and most desired. When you are surrounded by negative body views, your opinions on body image become negative too. These negative influences make an impact on your opinions of others, along with yourself. Remember for some each glance in the mirror becomes a reminder of perceived flaws, and every comment or look from others can sting like a wound.
Why is that? Why is it that when women have begun to achieve the “look” it drastically changes again? Women are pressured to look a certain way and when they achieve it, it is not as glorified or appreciated. This is because these ideals are created for the male gaze. The appearance of a woman has nothing to do with the woman, but everything to do with the man. We are to be exotic and perfect but different from the rest. When everyone has the same look, it loses its value, or at least it does through the male eye. As many around me and before have said, “To be a woman is to perform.” We are the art, made to be beautiful and to catch eyes. But just like art, it is not the art that is praised, it is the artist. The one who wielded the brush. To attain a woman who is made in the image of the beauty standard and has a nice figure is an achievement for men, but it is a sacrifice for women. These women become lusted after, but not appreciated. The money, pain, and dangers that come with the look are not acknowledged, and almost always overlooked.
