Before you read this:
the following autoethnography should be read against the backdrop of the largest prison hunger strike in history. protesting the indefinite use of solitary confinement by the california department of corrections and rehabilitation (cdcr), nearly 20,000 incarcerated people across three california "men's" prisons, participated in the first strike in 2011. in 2012, a class action lawsuit was filed by the center for constitutional rights, attorneys, organizations, and a representative group of solitary housing unit (shu) survivors who had been in solitary confinement for decades. the lawsuit, ashker v. governor of california, charged that california’s practice of indefinite isolation violated the u.s. constitution’s protections against “cruel and unusual punishment” and denied constitutional guarantees to “due process.” also in 2012, hunger strike leadership (known as the "four reps") and 12 other shu prisoner representatives issued an historic document, the Agreement to End Hostilities, calling for an end to all violence and hostility between racialized groups of prisoners throughout california.1 the call to unity resulted in 30,000 incarcerated people joining forces for 60 days until the california senate and assembly committees overseeing prisons held "unprecedented" public hearings to investigate california's solitary confinement. flaco was one of the prisoners involved in these historic strikes. this mass act of community resistance saved his life and gave him the power to tell his story.
warning:
this piece contains graphic descriptions of violence.
Title: Prison Traumatic Stress Disorder
My Experience with the California Department of Corruption
Ryan "Flaco" Rising
Using my personal story of growing up incarcerated in the prison industrial complex since the age of 12, I give the readers a raw, uncut look at the dehumanization, violence, and lack of rehabilitation that incarcerated individuals are forced to accept and endure. I intertwine my story with the poetry I wrote while incarcerated. I hope the inclusion of my poetry will enhance my readers' minds to the miserable conditions that I was forced to survive and that my story will inspire them to get involved in the movement toward prison abolition and transformative justice. I hope your great-grandchildren and my own never have to experience what I, along with millions of others, had to in the hands of the Department of Corruption.
Every day my soul feels locked in
I look for an escape but
none arrives. I sit and
think how to survive,
The pain inside my soul,
my eyes and mind
look for that open door

(from "The Facts of Life")

In the midst of the 2008 financial collapse, I was strung out on crystal meth. I had no goals and was out of control. I was willing to do anything and everything to support my habit. This ultimately put me in the California Department of Corrections for seven years. I had this attitude that as long as I had a gun and a ski mask, I would never be broke. Where did this violent mentality stem from? I have been able to trace it back to my early years of incarceration in the juvenile punishment system, where I was brutalized and humiliated by juvenile staff.

The moment that changed me forever as a human being was the moment when the juvenile corrections officer made me strip down naked and sprayed me with cold lice spray. He stared at me as I stood in front of him shivering at the age of 12 years old—naked, humiliated, and dehumanized. From that day forward, I was angry, violent, and hated the world. This was the start of my “Prison Traumatic Stress Disorder” would follow me for the rest of my life.

I was incarcerated in juvenile hall for three years, from 12 to 15 years of age, and I was transferred around like a circus animal. Every new facility I ended up in, it was the same dehumanizing experience. I was so angry at the world that I would fight and be isolated in the segregated housing unit, which was called the observation room. In the juvenile facilities, they forced us to take psychiatric medications, saying we had mental issues and/or ADHD. These medications would make us explode and act out. Then juvenile staff would come in and slam us, spraying us with pepper spray and brutalizing us. We were pharmaceutical test subjects against our will, and they documented everything we did on these medications.2

I was released from the juvenile punishment system  a broken young man. I was so used to being under the influence of psychiatric medications that I turned to hardcore street drugs to help me cope with these internal feelings of inadequacy and of being an outsider. I was in and out of the juvenile hall and the county jail until the age of 25, when I landed in the California Department Of Corrections. In 2009, when I was strung out on crystal meth, I was incarcerated for carjacking with a gun, possession of stolen property, and attempted extortion.

Violent Days, Violent Nights

In September 2009, I am transferred to Richard J. Donovan State Prison, which is one of California’s Department of Corrections reception yards. This yard is where they intake everyone, and this is also where you are looked into deeply by your incarcerated peer group to see if you are a “man of street honor,” meaning you’re not a snitch or a rapist. Snitch and rapist are the worst reputations you can have in prison. If you’re found out as one, the other inmates will try to kill you, so you are asked to produce your paperwork from court showing all your court transcripts; this is what allows you to walk the general population yard in the California Department of Corrections.

I will never forget my journey to this yard. I am frantically woken up at 3 a.m. by county jail sheriffs, and they usher me into a freezing cold holding tank, where they put shackles on about 40 to 50 incarcerated individuals and leave us there for hours. At exactly 7 a.m., we are ushered into a bus that transports us from George Bailey County Jail across the street to Richard J Donovan Correctional Facility. It is a five minute drive. Once there, we are greeted by three corrections officers who scream at us as we get off the bus. They take off all the shackles, and we are immediately forced to strip naked turn around and spread open our butt cheeks, squat and cough. We are then forced to walk naked to a holding tank all together and handed a clothing roll with an orange jumpsuit–a process I had been first acquainted with as a 12-year old kid.

Hours later, this correctional officer calls out and asks you what your background is, with what race you identify, and if you have any concerns about your life being in danger. I answer that I am Mexican. The correctional officer laughs and calls me a liar. I am instantly flooded with anger. I can’t stand being called a liar, and I am boiling up inside with anger; he continues to snicker. He looks over at his buddy and says, “Do you believe this guy says he is Mexican?” His buddy starts to laugh at me and says, “He is whiter than that paper, just another confused white trash.” The correctional officer says, “Ok, whitesican, good luck with the Southsiders; you will be stabbed or killed in a week.”3

I answer that I am Mexican. The correctional officer laughs and calls me a liar.

This is the beginning of it all, I am walked down to an intake row, where they will house me for two weeks with no yard. I am ushered to the doctors to be checked for diseases, then to a psychologist to be evaluated. As soon as I am cleared, they move me to the next block where  the violence begins.

The first time I see a person shanked to death with a homemade knife, I am in my cell standing at the window watching all the incarcerated individuals housed in bunks in the day room. I am analyzing it all, taking it all in and thinking deeply about how I am going to win this new war I’m fighting. All of a sudden, I see an incarcerated individual with a big steel shank start to drive it into the neck of another incarcerated individual. Everyone starts to scatter like army ants as this guy drives this shank in and out this other guy’s neck, maybe 12 times. No correctional officer sees it. This guy falls down with blood squirting out of his neck and the guy who stabbed him gets away with it. Later, I find out that the guy who got stabbed was a snitch on the streets–a justified hit in the code of conduct amongst the prisoner class.

My first yard is one of the most adrenaline-filled experiences I've ever had. I go out and it is all sectioned off. The Black inmates have their basketball court, the White inmates have their table and area, and us Southsiders have our area. I am the only blue-eyed blonde-haired white-skinned Southsider on the yard. Every homie comes and hits me up:

“Where are you from?”

"They call me Flaco from Southside Montebello Gang!"

“Orale Mucho Gusto! I’m so and so [from this Varrio].”

“YARD RECALL!!!” comes over the loud intercom, and we are all searched by correctional officers and ushered back to our cells. A couple days pass by and I hear a couple incarcerated individuals yelling up at me, “Hey 218, turn your light on!” I go to the door and see three white boys, all tatted with swastikas, yelling up at me, “You're a wood!”4 The homie who stuck that guy in the neck the week before comes up behind them with two other homies and taps this white boy on the shoulder: “Who are you calling a wood?” The white boys say, “Cell 218 is!” The homie says, “No, he is a Southsider, and he is with us. You have a problem with that?” They put their heads down and apologize and walk away. My heart is beating with adrenaline, and the homies come up to my cell and ask if all is good. I assure them that all is good.

A week later, I get a note slid underneath my door; in this note, they say that someone from Los Angeles has landed and has a rape on their jacket.5 They ask me for the favor to get him out of here. Feeling at this point that this is my life and knowing that I stand out as a blond-haired blue-eyed Southsider, I say yes. The next thing I know, I am slid a huge,wrapped-up bundle, along with a note telling me I need to take this with me to the segregated housing unit. I have to put it up my anal cavity. It is a really hard moment; I sweat bullets trying to accomplish this degrading ordeal, but this is how we survive here, and this isn’t going to be the last time I have to put something back there. I have to put knives and drugs and notes back there throughout my journey. I remember my roommate once put a touch-screen cell phone back there. This is a sick thought, but this is the reality that incarcerated individuals are faced with, and it's necessary to hear and understand this.

Yard opens up!

I am mentally prepared to attack, I have my mind set on how I am going to do this, how I will smash this inmate's skull in and send a message to the rest that I am a warrior. They point him out to me. He is by the basketball court. I scan the yard and see that there are no correctional officers standing by the hand ball court. I tell the homies that I will bring him over to the hand ball court and handle him there. I go play basketball with him. He is by himself. He feels good that some other homies recognized him. I take advantage of that and gain his trust. I let him win the game to 13 and then tell him, “Let me introduce you to the homies.” I take him over to the same homie who shanked that guy in the neck and some other homies by the handball court. They hand me a homemade ice pick, and I, along with some other homies, start to stab this guy. He falls down and I pass off the homemade knife and start to smash this guy's face with my fists, blood flying everywhere. He gets knocked out. We all walk away from the area. He gets back up and falls down and scrapes his face. The correctional officers all walk towards that direction and find him.

A few weeks later I am shipped out to Ironwood State Prison.

The days grew so dark
I became a great white shark
...
Now I am sitting in this dark
dungeon, I have pushed those who
care away.
I lost all my prized possessions.
I start to panic. I thought I had it
all, now I have nothing,
nobody is around.
I cannot see it's so dark.
I try to talk
nobody answers
Now I am in this cell
learning a new game
no longer blinded by the rat race.
I am now on this new adventure
within myself

(from "Reminiscing")
I was slipping into darkness
which was the norm
trying anything and everything to beat this brutal storm
a hopeless young man
stuck inside this american
quicksand, they call
a dream
...
as I sit and rot away
paying my debt to society,
is what they say,
rehabilitation is so fake,
instead a product of my environment
is what I became, this is
the reality on the streets & penitentiaries,
it's the american disease,
the capitalist's dreams
turning all the marginalized into a commodity, blaming the drug
infested neighborhoods for everything.
I'm in new folsom state prison
this very day
locked away,
in this overcrowded place, they
call corrections and rehabilitation,
faking society out
because that's not what this place is truly about...

(from "Ambitions To Live")

Prison Traumatic Stress Disorder

My next brush with violence comes inside Ironwood State Prison. This yard snitch startsto snitch on all the corrections officers who are bringing in contraband, and they all get put under investigation because of it.6 The institutional gang unit is pissed off, as they are having to investigate their correctional officer buddies, and they are all in on this shit making side money.

So the institutional gang unit drops their black book with all the information this guy is giving them inside a Southsider’s cell. As nobody can do anything without evidence, this yard snitch is now caught.

The next moves that are made really piss me off to this day. Instead of two or three lifers raising their hand to make an example out of this yard snitch who literally gave dozens of homies add charges (including a few with life sentences), they come to the three short term homies on the yard—one of those homies has three months before he goes home. The other one is a year away from going home, and I have four years left. They ask us for the favor. I get pissed inside, but I know that if I call them out on their weakness, they will turn on me and I will get shanked.

The yard opens up. They give us the green light.We go to where this yard snitch is working out. One homie runs up and starts to stab him and runs off as we rush in and start to smash this guy’s head in. He falls to the ground, and I start to kick his head. I jump on his head and blood starts to squirt everywhere. The correctional officers run up and start to spray us with pepper spray, but we continue to brutalize this guy. I fall on top of this guy, throwing punches full of hate—full of revenge for the homies this snitch set up. I am cuffed up and drenched in pepper spray and escorted off the yard. This is what my homies respected. This is what we looked up to.  This is all “state-instituted violence.”

This is what my homies respected. This is what we looked up to. This is all “state-instituted violence.”

In my state-instituted violent mind, I thought he should have been killed, and any other gangster would agree. We also see how the state is causing this. I call it blood money. The state will never, ever take responsibility for this violence. The reality is that the district attorney and the Department of Corrections depend on getting so many in prison cases a year to get the tax dollars for their careers, and they will do whatever it takes to get paid. One of their biggest components is the use of confidential information, giving incarcerated yard snitches money, packages, and the freedom to do as they please to set up incarcerated people to get in-prison cases on the district attorney's desk. Whoever says otherwise and wants to challenge this, go look into my case. Go talk to the yard snitch in my case who was working for them, and it will be confirmed.7 The yard snitch ended up with a bunch of staples in his head and lost his hearing in his right ear. I ended up catching an in-prison charge.

I am in the segregated housing unit now.

I go to court in Blythe, and they give me two more years.

I am then shipped to Salinas Valley State Prison, a level 4 maximum security yard that I call the death octagon as so many incarcerated individuals are killed there. I experience being locked down all the time in this prison. The correctional officers feed us small portions, and they don't allow us to get store items, and so we are agitated and frustrated, which is a bad combination in a confined space. We would come out and go to the yard and there would be a gruesome bloody shanking, and we would be back on lockdown for another month or two. This goes on the whole time I am there.

I think I see maybe two weeks of yard in a year-long period.

The last yard I see in 2011, a brutal prison riot erupts. It is the Northern Mexicans and us Southsiders. This is a gruesome battle; one Northerner ends up dead, and then they ship a bunch of us Southsiders to New Folsom State Prison under this new realignment project that CDCR is doing to even out the racial populations across all 33 state prison facilities.8 I end up at New Folsom, which is a predominantly Black yard. I see what the state is up to. They need to instigate some more racial riots, as they are under a bunch of scrutiny. The federal government is telling California that they need to deal with their severe overcrowding and the health hazards it is causing.9

Once, a correctional officer has me and two other homies in the medical cages waiting for our medical, and this correctional officer says, “When are you all going to take that basketball court from the Bay Area blacks? You all look really weak pushed into that little area.” This is the normal seed planting operation that correctional officers would do to watch them grow and eventually explode into what they want: a brutal racial prison riot. In his history of the California Department of Corrections, Robert D. Weide (2020) shows the violence that these moves were intended to provoke:10

"[T]he State’s prison facilities grew from five in the early 1980s to over 30 by the mid-1990s, providing fertile ground for the expansion of prison gangs (Gilmore, 2007). As each new prison facility opened and inmates entered each new yard for the first time, a pitched battle was fought in each to determine which prison gang faction would take control of particular telephones, day rooms, benches, workout areas, handball courts, basketball courts, and facilities on the yard. My respondents unanimously report that South Siders, the foot soldiers of the Mexican Mafia, won virtually all of these battles and remain firmly in control of the preferred facilities in almost every prison throughout the State to the present day. Convicts who “earned their stripes” in those battles refer to these conflicts as “opening up” a prison. It should be obvious that by opening new facilities and dumping members of rival factions into new yards, prison administration and staff must have known that violence would result just as they did when they dumped early prison gang members into the O Wing yard at Soledad Prison back in 1970. As another of my respondents, a physically intimidating man even in his 50s proudly recounts, “I’ve been from Susanville to Jamestown to High Desert to Tehachapi to Corcoran to Folsom to I mean I been all over up and down. I just don’t go down South, I always go up North. Ha haha! They always send me to war! The administration says, “You wanna be a tough guy huh?” so I’m like, “OK where you gonna send me now?” I opened up High Desert, and when you open up a prison man its fuckin crazy man. It’s crazy . . . I mean you’re killing people because this is my handball court or this is my bench. You’re fighting for what area you’re gonna get. And that’s what I’m saying, we established High Desert, and still to this day it’s still like that. You know, there was a lot of bloodshed for that.”11

All of us incarcerated individuals know that it's a bloody experience opening up a yard. On December 7th, 2011—two months after I was transferred to open up this prison yard in New Folsom State Prison, a brutal prison riot erupts.12 I remember being released to the yard this day after a three day lockdown, as the Bloods and Crips had gotten into a huge fight on the yard, so they were placed on lockdown. We go to the yard with the Bay Area Blacks.13

It is a really calm day.

I walk around the yard with one of the homies, and a bird takes a shit on his shirt. I start clowning him and tell him it is bad luck for ten years. We walk over to the water fountain so he can wash his shirt, and it gets super quiet on the yard. We look up towards our workout area, and all the homies are gathering up at the top really quickly. My homie says, “Something is up, come on, let's get to our property.” We get up there, and the homie comes up to me, hands me a homemade knife, and says we are rushing the Blacks.14 We rush like army ants, full-speed yelling and screaming, and we start stabbing and punching any Bay Area Black in the way. It is a brutal battle that lasts for 10 minutes. The correctional officers start to fire the mini 14 semi automatic sniper rifles at us. Concrete chunks hit me in the face as the bullets whiz by my head. I almost get shot in the head twice. Luckily, the 4 block tower guard keeps missing us, even though he is trying to kill us. I remember the brutality during this riot; multiple people are being stabbed with anger and resentment. One guy is being stabbed and beaten as his pants are ripped off, and they start to stab him in his butt and he starts to poop all over everyone's shoes as they kick him. This left us all traumatized!

I can be seen in this Youtube newscast at 1:25, in which I am in the white tank top in the middle looking up at the helicopter.15 This incident really messed my head up. I experienced nightmares for two years. Still, to this day, I see everything happening. I can replay this incident back in my head. I made it back into my cell, and I have been trying to deal with this ever since.

I have so much Prison Traumatic Stress to overcome still to this day.

Around December, I find myself waking up with cold sweats, I have nightmares, and I indulge in drinking a lot. This incident has been one that I have not been able to shake off. I see these men looking at me with bloody faces, screaming at me, “Why?”

I see these men looking at me with bloody faces, screaming at me, “Why?”

We are on lockdown for almost a year after this incident. I remember it as a really high-tension time. We have our shoes on all the time. We fall asleep with our shoes on, which means that if the correctional officers want to play games and open up our doors, we are ready to fight until our death.

This riot happened at the same time that the Short Corridor Collective had begun its work calling for an end to all racial hostilities for the collective purpose of protesting prison conditions, particularly with respect to the culture and  practices around solitary confinement.16 As peace was being established amongst all factions and the agreement to end all hostilities was being written up, this riot put a damper into that process. It was a senseless fight.

Still, to this day, we don't really know why we all fought and what the real reason was behind it all.

Conclusion

Prison Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) occurs in people who have experienced the harsh conditions of prison and all the violent traumatic events that occur in prison, such as prison riots, watching people stabbed with homemade knives, rape, or threats of death, sexual violence or serious injury while incarcerated. People with Prison Traumatic Stress Disorder have intense, disturbing thoughts and feelings related to their experiences that last long after being released. They may relive prison through flashbacks or nightmares; they may feel sadness, fear, or anger; and they may feel detached or estranged from other people. People with Prison Traumatic Stress Disorder may always find people and situations that remind them of prison, and they may have strong negative reactions to something as ordinary as a loud noise or an accidental touch or someone walking behind them. Prison Traumatic Stress Disorder often leads formerly incarcerated individuals to resort to substance abuse to cope with the feelings of inadequacy and not belonging due to being institutionalized.

As the emotional thunder strikes down
hard into the universe's heart
the minds of its inhabitants
are reminded
of the true reality that
nothing is forever
that everything is changing,
constant and a rapid pace
as the lightning pierces
the heart
with words
causing pain, causing destruction
the raindrops come pouring
out of the eyes
washing away all the past suffering

(from "In Conclusion")

Notes

1 Ashker, T., Castellanos, A., Guillen, A., & Nantambu Jamaa, S. (2012, August 12). Agreement to End Hostilities. Libcom. for context, see: Ashker, T., et al. (2020, February). The four California prisoner class representatives call for solidarity and change. Center for Constitutional Rights.

2 Flores, J., & Barahona-López, K. (2019). “It’s like Everyone’s trying to put pills in you”: Pharmaceutical violence and harmful mental health services inside a california juvenile detention center. Critical Criminology, 27 (4), 643-662. doi:https://doi.org/10.1007/s10612-019-09480-6

3 Weide, R. D. (2020). The Invisible Hand of the State: A Critical Historical Analysis of Prison Gangs in California. The Prison Journal, 100(3), 312–331.

4 "peckerwood" is a term used to identify white supremacist gang members.

5 a "jacket" refers to a prisoner's file.

6 for more information on correctional staff and prison contraband, see 2018 survey from prison policy initiative:

7 you can also read about "snitch" corruption in the district attorney's office by looking into the orange county scandal: jordan smith (2016). "anatomy of a snitch scandal: how orange county prosecutors covered up rampant misuse of jailhouse informants." the intercept.

8 see christopher petrella (2014) "consequences of california's realignment initiative" prison legal news.

9 for images of inhumane conditions and overcrowding, see dave gilson (2011) "california's jam-packed prisons." mother jones. 

10 Weide, R. D. (2020). The Invisible Hand of the State: A Critical Historical Analysis of Prison Gangs in California. The Prison Journal, 100(3), 312-331.

11 ibid, 325-326

12 CBS Sacramento. (2011, December 7). 10 Hospitalized After New Folsom Prison Riot.

13 CBS San Francisco. (2011, December 7). Guards Open Fire During New Folsom Prison Riot.

14 Southern California Public Radio. (2011, December 7). Riot at New Folsom prison near Sacramento leaves 9 injured.

15 KCRA News. (2011, December 7). Folsom Prison Riot [Video]. YouTube.

16 Camon, A. (2016, May 15). The Short Corridor: How the Most Isolated Prisoners in America Took on the System, and Won. Los Angeles Review of Books

Alberto Lule

Alberto Lule uses readymades, mixed media installations, video, performance, and
tools used by agencies of authority to examine and critique the prison industrial
complex in the United States, particularly the California carceral state. Using his
own experiences, he aims to tie the prison industrial complex to other American
political issues such as immigration, homelessness, drug addiction, and mental
health. Lule creates artworks that explore institutional roles as gatekeepers of
knowledge, authorities of culture, administrators of discipline, and executors of
punishment. He is the recipient of the Public Impact Fellowship, Claire Trevor
School of the Arts, UC Irvine, 2022-2023. The 2020 Kay Nielsen Memorial
Drawing Award, The Hammer Museum, Los Angeles. Alberto received a BA in Art
from The University of California Los Angeles, and is currently pursuing his MFA
from the Claire Trevor School of the Arts at UC Irvine.

Cassandra Flores

Hello! My name is Cassandra Flores and I was raised in South El Monte after my parents’ immigrated from Nayarit, México to East LA. I spent my summers in high school exploring politics and multicultural literature. This is where I began to dissect my own cultural identity through the works of writers like Gloria Anzaldúa and Oscar Zeta Acosta. I find power in vulnerability and confrontation in all types of writing, including music. The lyricism of artists such as Clairo, Natalia Lafourcade, and Lorde foster an intimacy I hope to capture in my own writing. Things that bring me joy include my cat, Kiwi, dancing, concerts, and crafts that stimulate my creativity! As a student at UC Irvine, I study Social Policy and Public Service and I’ve been dancing with Ballet Folklorico de UCI for two years. My favorite poet at the moment is Yesika Salgado. I resonate with her experiences, the bilingualism in her writing, and aim to one day publish my own poetry book.

Tatyana Hazelwood

Tatyana grew up as a low-income, first-gen, African-American, Panamanian and Mexican student in both Orange County and San Diego, CA. She works as a System-Impacted Peer Mentor and an intern for the LIFTED Program. At UC Irvine, she is a Psychological Science (B.A.) and Criminology, Law & Society (B.A.) double major. Being a system-impacted student herself, she had a difficult upbringing and strives to find healing through success in education to end generational sacrifices. She began writing personal poems in her creative writing course in high school but often felt restricted to the conventional rules of poetry. Her works shared in Issue 4 are her most personal and meaningful poems.

Janellee Hernandez

Hello! My name is Janellee and I am a first-generation college student who was raised in a Guatemalan household. I have always loved how art has been a medium (in any form) that allows people to say something without actually speaking. Whether it’s to communicate a deeper meaning or is just there to simply exist. Photography has been something that I have always enjoyed and found that it is my way of self expression.

John Dayot

John Silvan Dayot is a rising senior at UCI studying English. He recently became an alumni of the award-winning nonprofit program Ghetto Film School (GFS). With a background in film, John wants to grow as a storyteller and develop projects with his community of talented friends. He believes art is always growing and is currently inspired by visual arts and capturing real life/people.

Daniel Le

Daniel Le is a third year student studying psychology with a minor in digital arts. Originally from Cerritos, CA, he enjoys exploring new things with friends, making spotify playlists, getting tattoos, and immersing himself in his Vietnamese culture.

Dontaye Henderson

Dontaye Henderson was raised in Atlanta Georgia and now resides in San Diego, California. He attends UCI studying to earn his BA degree in Sociology. His inspiration comes from his children and loving mother. He desires to use his education to help aid the struggling youth in society as a mentor. He enjoys writing poetry, reading, drawing, and cooking. He is grateful for this opportunity with furthering his education with UCI and plans to be the best version of himself towards everyone he meets.

Victor Lopez

My name is Victor Lopez. I am an incarcerated student at Richard J. Donovan State Prison. Serving a life sentence does not give a father much room to be a positive role model. Educating myself to motivate my daughter Arriana was the best that I could do. My past actions does not define who I am, with or without my freedom, I will contrive to be a better man.

Martha Trujillo

Martha Coral Trujillo is a 28-year-old currently attending Fullerton College to obtain a Paralegal Certificate after having completed a Master's Degree in Criminology, Law and Society. Martha's goal is to become a Criminal Lawyer and to continue to work with supporting youth at risk. Martha continues to write in journals and is currently working on Journal 33. Martha's passion for assisting and serving underrepresented youth has been the motivation for her to continue to reach higher and do more in the Justice System.

Patrick Acuña

Patrick was born in San Gabriel, California but was raised by the carceral system. After three decades of incarceration, he is the first member of UCI’s LIFTED (Leveraging Inspiring Futures Through Educational Degrees) to transition to campus as a first-generation senior with an emphasis in Psychological Science and Criminology, Law, and Society. When Patrick isn’t on campus, he volunteers with Guide Dogs of America where he trains dogs for children on the autism spectrum and veterans managing PTSD and/or overcoming combat related mobility impairment. His other passions include backcountry hiking, working out, and traveling. He’s recently returned from a 30-day cross country road trip where he slept on the sidewalk of New York’s Time Square, a back-alley doorway in DC, and the parking lot of a Las Vegas Cracker Barrel.

Yuzhou Michael Ju

Yuzhou Michael Ju, a second-year Sociology major at UCI, is an international student who was born and raised in Chongqing, China. He completed his entire K-12 education in China before coming to the U.S. for college. Yuzhou is particularly interested in immigration studies, with a focus on Chinese Americans. Whenever he visits a Chinatown, he feels curious about the people there: what motivates them to move to a distant place, and how do they establish new homes in an unfamiliar country? First-generation immigrants, in particular, must have made significant commitments to their entire families in order to support the future of their offspring. In his free time, Yuzhou dedicates most of his time to volunteering as a tour guide at art exhibitions or historical relics museums in Chongqing. He guides visitors through exhibitions showcasing Dunhuang Buddhist murals and shares the history of Chongqing's role as the War Capital of China during WWII.

Feliz Aguilar

Feliz is a disabled, non-binary, first-generation, Latinx creator proudly hailing from the East Side of Salinas, CA. They recently graduated from UC Irvine in June 2023, double majoring in Literary Journalism and International Studies. Their passion for learning and experiences as a first-generation student inspired them to question the accessibility of post-undergraduate higher education, leading to the piece featured in this issue. The people fighting injustice around the world are their greatest inspiration, and they hope to continue standing in solidarity with those resisting oppression globally — whether in writing or on the ground.

Helena San Roque

My name is Helena San Roque. I’m a third year Literary Journalism major at UCI. I wrote my piece “Azat Artsakh, Free Us All'' as a nod to my Armenian heritage. However, it’s more than that— it wasn’t until college that I learned about the broad anti-imperialist struggle across various nations in Latin America, Palestine, Armenia, the Philippines, India, etc… In this piece, I talk about Armenia and Palestine: in 2020 the Artsakh war broke out after a decades long armistice between Armenia and Azerbaijan. Israel, which has committed grave atrocities against Palestine, continued to support Azerbaijan in their unjust war against Armenia, resulting in capturing Armenian territory in a trial of human rights abuses. But when your father’s homeland is attacked, what can I, an “American” college student, do? For me, to truly help emancipate my people, the answer was to get educated and organize.

Guadalupe Parra

Guadalupe is a first-generation student majoring in History with the goal of becoming a teacher. She was born in a tiny town in Jalisco, Mexico, and moved to the US with her parents when she was three. She grew up in the San Fernando Valley, surrounded by Mexican culture, and uses that as inspiration in her poetry.

Mariah Rosario

My name is Mariah Rosario and I am a UCI 2022 graduate and alumni. The following portfolio I submitted is my college senior thesis I submitted for my final. It depicts my story of self-emancipation and finding myself through independence and trauma.

Makyla McLeod

Makyla is a Black, first-generation student born and raised in North Carolina. She is currently entering her 3rd year in undergrad with a double major in International Studies and Literary Journalism. As the author of "I Educate", Makyla looked to voice not only her personal experience as the oldest child in a southern Black household looking to further her education, but to also pay homage and express gratitude to the village that continues to help her get there. In her free time, besides writing, she enjoys listening to music, reading, playing video games, and watching horror movies.

Serenity Thu Ritchey

Serenity is a third-year English major from Garden Grove, CA. She has a soft spot for poetry, among other things, like honeycombs, and the color green. She thinks words are pretty sweet and wants to believe in them. (Sometimes she does).

Josie Bitnes

Originally from Washington, Josie is a second year criminology, law, and society major seeking a literary journalism minor. She plans on attending law school to become a criminal defense attorney. In her free time, she skis with UCI’s Ski and Snowboard club and enjoys playing guitar, reading, and being outside in nature.

Corbin Li

Corbin is a first-generation college student studying Civil Engineering at UC Irvine. Growing up in California, they fell in love alongside Pacific air, late night guitar, and bonfires at the beach. Corbin’s passions lie in the intersection between engineering, art, and society, and they look forward to further exploring these topics in future years.

Erik Perez

First and foremost my name is Erik Perez and I am 20 years young. I am an artistic expressionist and Chicano artist. I’m from Southern California where we dream big and plant seeds for the world to flourish.

Francisco Vazquez

My name is Francisco Vazquez and I am 20 years old from the city of Santa Ana–that’s the place I call home. I’ve been in and out of the Orange County Juvenile Hall since the age of 14. I’m on my way to prison and I’m in a different mindset than the one I had 2 years ago when I first got here. In here I like to read, draw, and work out. I got a hidden talent which is to sing and I would like to pursue that upon release. I attend college here and I try to be a role model for my peers. In the future I hope to give back to my community, which I used to terrorize at some point.

Helen Barahona

Helen Barahona recently graduated from the University of California, Irvine (‘23). She double-majored in Political Science (Honors) & Sociology and over the summer she interned in DC with the Shadow Topics team as a research intern at the Political Violence Lab. Prior to working with the lab she served as a student assistant at the UCI Basic Needs Center, and as the managing editor for LUCID through the Dream Project Fellowship. During her free-time she likes to read, write, paint, rate movies on letterboxd and go bike-riding!

Jaaziel de la Luz

I am from Veracruz, Mexico and currently a second year math PhD student at UCI. I enjoy writing, reading philosophy, skateboarding, learning languages, traveling, hiking, jogging, sketching, and doing research. I am passionate about community building and exploring the world.

Juan Jimenez

My name is juan jimenez. 
I’ve been incarcerated for 
just about 5 yrs. In the 
midst of this quest, I’ve 
developed a hobby!
             I’m a writer 
from the ghetto! Don’t you 
disregard my message . . .
Told them all that made me 
feel like I was less than: 
             Here’s a little bout my story. Not a boy. I know 
             I’m destined

Pablo Ramirez

My name is Pablo. They also call me Pablito. At this moment Im placed in JH. In here I’ve learned many things about myself and my surroundings. I’ve learned how the brain works and how trauma affects your thinking. Right now I’m going to high school at the moment. Ima graduate in December. Im excited because I want to go to college. I used to be wild. I didn’t care about life Itself. All I cared about was putting in work for my hood and shit like that. that was me out there. In here Im more calm kick back. I’m changing. This change Im doing is mostly for my family. They need me out there to support them emotionally and financially. I [used to be] the man of the house. At a young age I would work hard and pay my jefa for rent. [My mom] would struggle and that bummed me out, but there were also times where I shit where I slept. Now Im focused on getting my education and learning new stuff every day. Im more open minded. When I get out me voy a poner las pellas to work hard to buy a house for my lil family. I want to be a welder. I wanna learn the art of welding. Im a hands on person. Im thankful for everything I’ve been through. It taught me a lot.

Samog-J Lemon

I am a current student at Irvine Valley College and I'm majoring in communicative disorders. I was born in Anaheim. I love spending time with family and friends; as I got older I realized how important that was. I am a Christian and go to church with my great grandma every Sunday. I like to write poems on the beach; it’s my new way of clearing my mind. I actually do write now to clear my head, something I would’ve never knew I liked but I find therapeutic.

Allan Plata

Born in City of Orange, Ca., my family and I have moved from room to room. Eventually my mother was able to afford an apartment of her own. I always lived in rural areas in the same city then eventually I would get involved with the people in my environment. Father was in and out the picture due to negative habits and mother was either busy or would put her priorities before her own children. My sister was a second mother and also a friend that would try to guide me to do better things for myself, though I was stubborn and didn’t want to listen to what others had to say.

Dee Richards

Dee Richards is a neurodiverse writer of feminist horror and memoir, holding a BA in English from UC Irvine, and a current master’s candidate in Creative Writing. Dee has worked as a writer for Phi Beta Kappa and CBR.com; beside professional publications, their work has appeared in ten anthologies, and has achieved three awards for creative non-fiction.  Dee’s main focuses are in autotheory and its intersections with fiction, hybrid forms, and graphic literature, with a particular passion for graphic memoir. For more of their work, please visit deerichardswrites.medium.com.

Luisa Fernanda Benitez

My name is Luisa Fernanda Benitez Q. I grew up in Huntington Park as a first gen mexican american. Double majoring in sociology, and Gender & sex studies with a minor in queer studies i’ve always wanted to work within my community. Pursuing a career has only further pushed me into my art. In my poetry i discuss topics of my story, my culture, my gender and other vulnerable parts of my identity and life. I love to block print, read science fiction, needle felt, Minecraft and paint. I love to listen to Amanditititita, Maria Daniela y Su Sonido Lasser, Mickey Darling and El General. I hope to publish a poetry book and work on other creative endeavors like working with glass and clothing designs!!!

Rohan Webb

Rohan Webb is an 18 year old undergraduate researcher at the Sue and Bill Gross Stem Cell Research Center. Having grown up in Virginia and gone to high school in Missouri, they're now a premed student at UC Irvine. When they're not knee deep in textbooks, Rohan enjoys exploring backwoods trails, nestling up with a good novel, or chasing a thunderstorm across midwestern plains. Rohan tries to use poetry to give voice and form to feelings they can't quite get across in words.

Jo Jenkins

Jo Jenkins is a creative and portrait photographer studying Art at UC Irvine. As a black woman artist, she has observed a lack of authentic cultural representation in photography as a common theme. Her work aims to capture melanated skin tones in her photography while highlighting subtle vibrance accurately. This piece was created to bring awareness to childhood cancer. To cope with the catastrophic loss of her baby sister to cancer, photography has served her as an artistic medium in which she can capture the lives of her family, creating memories that, unfortunately, outlive them.

Isabelle Tran

My name is Isabelle Tran, a UCI undergraduate student studying math. The drawing "My Dad" depicts what my dad's body looked like during his battle of fighting rectal cancer. During the time he was struggling to find an appetite and it caused him to be extremely skinny. Although he has now passed, I drew this to recognize those like my dad who struggle with medical issues but continue to stay strong.

Isabel Schwager

Hello! My name is Isabel Schwager. I’m a student at Santa Ana College studying to be a graphic designer. I was born and raised in Orange County in a multicultural and multiracial/ethnic family. My passion is everything related to visual art. Currently I’m exploring how visual design and aspects of computer science can make products and services more usable, enjoyable, and accessible for people. As a disabled student from a low-income family who has self- advocated for access to the American educational system, I identify with the idea that social justice and equity in education are still evolving. The arts, as a powerful platform for communication and education have always been a historical medium for social change. I’m interested in using this platform to improve the lives of students like me and others who find themselves underrepresented and disadvantaged in society.

Kayla Jackson

Kayla Jackson is an undergraduate student at UC Irvine, originating from Modesto, Ca. In her writing, she draws on personal experiences and stories to forge connections that resonate with readers. Her piece, "Women's Health: Look Your Best" reflects on past moments that have shaped her perspective, illustrating the often-overlooked impact of our actions and words on others. Outside of her studies, Kayla enjoys writing, painting, and baking.

Jacqueline Salazar Romo

Jacqueline Salazar Romo is a first-generation UCI Literary Journalism alum and avid creative, being passionate about writing and illustration ever since she can remember. Born in Jalisco, Mexico, Jacqueline immigrated to the United States with her family at ten years old in search of better opportunities and economic advancement. Her lived experience as not only a first-gen immigrant and college graduate, but also as a queer Latina trying to come to terms with having multiple identities to juggle, has greatly shaped her perspective and projects, as she hopes to be a vocal advocate for marginalized and underrepresented voices and to bring difficult but important conversations to mainstream audiences. She received her Bachelor of Arts in 2023 and has since explored various other fields, from data analytics to marketing to public health, but always ends up returning to her creative projects. She hopes to continue learning and pursuing her lifelong aspiration of being a fulfilled author-illustrator.

Rana Darwich

My name is Rana Darwich, and I'm a second-year student at Irvine Valley College with plans to transfer to a four-year university within the University of California System. Through my writing, I've discovered a sense of community and found my voice, particularly in publications like Lucid. For me, writing is a way to seek Truth, and I strive to be as honest as possible in my work. While I don't believe there is an objective truth to be found, I do believe that when two people find common ground in an experience, they become witnesses to a shared perspective, which is more valuable, more persuasive, and less lonely, than a single perspective.

I oppose filtering my writing just to avoid addressing taboo topics because I believe in making writing accessible to everyone, not just those who can relate to your achievement and accomplishments. My goal is to communicate effectively with readers from all walks of life. We all share common feelings and experiences, and while stoicism has its place, the trend of hiding our struggles, perpetuated by social media’s portrayal of idealism, has become the source of isolation, which I believe has no place in an educational setting. This creates the illusion that people are alone in their challenges, when in reality, many of us face the same difficulties. I believe that if we, as students, can't admit we’re struggling, we only promote isolation and a fictitious reality. Where in a community where so many of us share aspects of our sometimes, extremely imperfect lives. The truth I hope to convey is that nobody is truly alone in their struggles. There is common ground beyond idealism. 

Tracy Wangui Njuguna

Hi, my name is Tracy Njuguna but I also go by Koi. (Fun fact) Koi is the shorthand version of my full Kenyan middle name. Hence, I chose to go by Koi Visualss to keep hold of my Kenyan roots. I am a beginner photographer with an eye for capturing both special and regular moments in life. My passion for photography comes from my upbringing. With being the first in my family to grow up and get an education in America, documentation has been a big part of my life as well as my family's. Along with that, music has also played a driving force in my interest in storytelling, both visually with photo and video. So to combine the two, documentation and storytelling, is what brought me where I am today.

Naomi Salazar

My name is Naomi Salazar, and I was raised in a border city named Calexico. I am the eldest out of three sisters, and the daughter of my mother- the inspiration behind so much of what I do. I’ve always found solace in academics and continue to indulge in being a student in higher education, even four years after my acceptance into UCI. On campus, I’ve filled my days with the Psychology B.S. major requirements, working for undergraduate housing, program planning for the Latinx Resource Center, and getting to know the people who have brightened my time here. I had the privilege of being immersed in my culture because the border was within the eye-view of my front yard. So, to me being, learning, and thinking about Mexico was about moving forward (into that front yard). Moving away from home and being exposed to a sense of diversity foreign to me has forced me to think and evaluate my identity, and so much of what I’ve uncovered makes me yearn for simplicity that is unattainable if we want much-needed change. My writing seeks personal clarity within these emotions resulting from grander, more complex systems and ideas surrounding me.

Mia Aburto

Mia Aburto is a sophomore at UC Irvine majoring in software engineering. She spends most of her free time painting, crocheting, reading, or writing. For her, art is a medium that can inspire other people or, in this case, help others become self-aware of their mental health. Before going to UCI, Mia went to school in Mexico, so many of her inspirations are based on authors such as Laura Esquivel and Juan Rulfo, whom she read in high school.

Niki Emadi

I was born and raised in Iran and moved to the United States two years ago. Currently, I’m an art student at OCC. My approach to creating art is very intuitive. On the surface, my work often serves as a visual experiment with different mediums, as one of my biggest inspirations is the medium itself. On a subconscious level, my art always carries a piece of me—whether it’s a reflection of a feeling, an experience, or simply a showcase of my latest drawing skills.

Mikiztli Sarapura Ortiz

I am a nontraditional student and veteran from the Appalachian mountains. I graduated from UCI with a B.S. in Earth System Science. I am Huichol (Wixaritari) on my mother’s side and Quechua on my father’s side. I have a spiritual and scientific connection to the earth that drives both my academic work and pass time. I enjoy being in nature, beadwork, making jewelry, and going to concerts. I enjoy everything from Chicano Batman to Type O Negative.

Julian Smith-Newman

Julian Smith-Newman is a writer of fiction and non-fiction as well as a committed member of the Los Angeles Tenants Union. He teaches composition at UC Irvine.

John Gillespie

John Gillespie Jr. is an artist, songwriter, and PhD candidate in Comparative Literature at the University of California, Irvine. His research interests include: Black suicide as a problem for thought; continental philosophy and critical psychiatry; science and technology studies; and Black aesthetics. His writing has been published in places such as the Encyclopedia for Racism in American Film, Propter Nos, Critical Ethnic Studies, Catalyst, Machina and more. He is also the creator and writer of the Mumble Theory blog and is currently working on releasing an album under the same name.

Selah Garrett

clown

Leticia Espinoza

Leticia Espinoza is a 21-year-old undergraduate majoring in Criminology Law & Society and minoring in Public Health at UC Irvine. In both areas of study, she hopes to inform her on social issues within her community. Leticia aims to attend Law School after college and obtain a Law Degree in Corporate or Civil Law. She hopes to use her future career to contribute any financial resources to ending sexual assault on college campuses and uplifting young college women. This is motivated by her current involvement in the UC Irvine CARE office’s Violence Intervention & Prevention course. Which offers her training for at-risk situations to then bring back to SFL spaces and her Panhellenic chapter.

Lorene Delany-Ullman

Lorene Delany-Ullman's book of prose poems, Camouflage for the Neighborhood, won the 2011 Sentence Award. She recently published her poetry and creative nonfiction in Citric Acid, Zócalo Public Square, and TAB: A Journal of Poetry & Poetics. The following anthologies have included her work: Orange County, A Literary Field Guide, Bared: Contemporary Poetry and Art on Bras and Breast, Beyond Forgetting: Poetry and Prose about Alzheimer’s Disease, and Alternatives to Surrender. She collaborates with artist Jody Servon on Saved: Objects of the Dead, a photographic and poetic exploration of the human experience of life, death, and memory. Excerpts from their collaborative project have been published in AGNI, Tupelo Quarterly, Tarpaulin Sky, Palaver, Lunch Ticket, and Citric Acid and exhibited nationwide in over thirty museums, galleries, and libraries. In January 2023, Artsuite (Wilson, NC) published a book version of Saved: Objects of the Dead. Delany-Ullman taught composition for twenty-four years at the University of California, Irvine.

Rachael Collins

Rachael has been an educator and teacher of writing in the California Community College system and at UCI since 2005. A proud homeschooled student, CCC transfer and UC graduate twice over with a PhD in early modern poetry, Rachael is committed to curriculum design that focuses on providing high quality, innovative, and democratically-centered writing instruction to disadvantaged learners, including those who are limited to online learning environments. Drawing upon the multidisciplinary, multimedia work published in Lucid, Rachael's courses focus on the transformative potential of personal writing in higher education. She thinks that when students are given the space and the tools to express themselves, they write beautifully.

Ryan "Flaco" Rising

Ryan Flaco Rising, West Coast Credible Messengers Director and PhD candidate in Criminology Law and Society at the University of California, Irvine, leverages his personal experience as a formerly incarcerated individual to assist others transitioning into higher education at UCI. His research focuses on creating pathways for formerly incarcerated individuals in higher education and analyzing the evolution of related programs. Ryan's advocacy, including founding the Gaucho Underground Scholars Program at the University of California, Santa Barbara, has played a pivotal role in expanding similar programs across UC campuses. He has received prestigious awards for his work and authored pieces in various publications, showcasing the power of formerly incarcerated individuals in producing innovative solutions and sustainable pathways for their communities, encapsulated in his 'Organic Leadership' theory.

Lisandra Rising

Lisandra is an Undergraduate at the University of California, Irvine majoring in Social Policy and Public Service with a focus on Education. Lisandra serves as the Recruitment Coordinator for the Underground Scholars program at UCI. She is also part of a blended family and lives with her son and daughter who are both 14.

Mia Voloshin

Mia is a Freshman at University High and plays indoor volleyball. On her free time, she enjoys being with her friends, shopping, and going to the beach. She eventually wants to pursue college courses before and after she graduates high school.

Riley Rising

Riley is originally from Montana and moved to CA last year in eighth grade. He is now a Freshman at University High and is involved with jiu jitsu and wrestling at his high school. Riley enjoys skateboarding and free-styling on his free time. He wants to join the marines after he graduates.

Pedro Nieves

Pedro Nieves is a Visual Storyteller, photographer, and a UC Irvine Alumni who graduated with a Bachelors in Studio Arts. Pedro works as a freelance portrait photographer, volunteers as a sports photographer for Antelope Valley College, and is a member of the West Coast Credible Messengers. He also uses his photography to tell stories of culture, dreams, and pride and bring awareness to current issues within the immigrant and formerly incarcerated/ system-impacted communities. He is currently attending Antelope Valley College in pursuit of a videography certificate to broaden his storytelling skills. He looks forward to further developing his photography and putting his name out in the art world.